I am 25 years old girl, or a woman. I live near London with my partner, or rather say i am just here. I wouldn’t call it living.
For you to underestand what i am feeling now and where am i now, i should tell you about my past. So here goes nothing…
First of all i come from a family of 5 children. And i am not from UK. I come from a small country from Baltic Region. I can’t remember much about my childhood, just some scenes and pictures. Not sure why, but sometimes it makes me sad. And sometimes i miss my childhood. Everything was much more simple and nice…
We lived in a capital of my home country, but family with so many children growing up, didn’t want to fit into the house we had. It was built by my granddad. But we had to move. I was 15 when we moved. And from that moment on, i lost everything. Everything i had known my entire life. Friends, familiar places, school, classmates…everything. And nobody asked me if i wanted to change school. And it still hurts. But i tried to cope.
New school, new home on the country side, big house, new people. And they didn’t accept me. At least some of them. On the first day of new school i apparently sat in the wrong place and a girl told me rudely to move. And from that moment on i knew everything was really wrong. I started hanging out with boys more than girls. They didn’t treat me like girls, they liked me. But at the same time, girls hated me. I even had almost a fight with one of them. Luckily that lasted only for a year. Then i finished primary school and went to a vocational school. Again new place, new people.
I had many relationships, every one of them failed. I had friends, i thought at least. But it seemed they were there only when they wanted something. But not when i needed them . I started smoking there. Just to blend in. I went from few occasional cigarettes to a pack a day. And i hid it from my parents. They found out a year later.
I moved in with a boyfriend when i was 17. We lived near my parents, but with his mom. And i thought everything was really good and amazing. Until he dumped me 2 years later. When i went crawling back to my parents. They have helped me a lot over the years. But i still hate them sometimes. And love them at the same time.
After my vocational school, i started working. And since then to now i have had over 10 different jobs. I didn’t like not one of them. And mostly i quit myself, hoping to find better and higher salary. But i never did.
And besides all that i have never been good with finances. I don’t know how to keep money, how to save, how not to spend it. How to control myself.
I had been unemployed in my country for a year, when we came to UK. And now it’s been another year since we came here. And i am still sitting at home. Unemployed.
He has a job, but that’s not enough to support the both of us.
We met on 2008 in may. Everything was really good and amazing. I thought that this was the one guy i am going to marry. But our relationship has been on the rocks for 2 years. I don’t know why i am here, why i keep coming back. He has hurt me mentally a lot. He hasn’t cheated, or done anything physically to me, but he has hurt my heart and mind. By not keeping his promises, by forgetting things. Little things make up a big thing in the end. And i have walked out the door several times without any plan to return. But i keep coming back. I have planned to kill myself, because i don’t see any reasons to live, but he has stopped me. For now. And financially we are in big debts and they keep coming. And i still have no hope for work. And soon i don’t know how we can manage. Everything is just too much. And i don’t see any reason to live any more.
As much as i have tried finding help, doctors ignore what i say. They have told me that yes i have depression (since i was 16). I have taken many antidepressants, done some therapy, but nothing has helped. Last time i visited, i said to the doctor that i had quit my antidepressant because they didn’t help me and that i haven’t taken them for a while. I ended up with the same drug prescription i had quit. I didn’t buy or take it. So i haven’t had antidepressants for many months now. I have taken St Johns Wort, but i haven’t seen much difference. I have developed anger issues also. I slam the doors, and i yell at my partner. And do rash decisions, like packing my bags and leaving. And wanting to step in front of the car on a street, or jumping down a bridge in front of a train…. I don’t know how to cope anymore. I have read that you should talk to someone. But i don’t have anyone to talk to. I told my partner, but he doesn’t know what to do. I told my mother and she made me feel quilty. Like i was the bad person as usual… Like i am doing something wrong. I really need help, but nobody helps me… they just judge and blame me. Why should i even live then? Nobody wants to give me a job, nobody wants to help with our debts, nobody wants to listen to my troubles… They just say that i am selfish if i do something to myself. Why don’t they listen that i am crying for help?! I am crying right now, my heart is aching physically… I pray to God every day, that i could manage to hold on one more day, so somebody could come and help me. I don’t know how much longer can i hold on… Please someone help me!