I bought my first pack of cigarettes today. The last pack I had last me like six months, and a friend bought it for me for my bachelorette party. 


I bought them because I was feeling pretty suffocated. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel more like his daughter than his wife. I\'m not crazy about smoking. I like the feeling, but not much else. A lot of the time it makes me sick, actually. In all honesty, if he would allow me to smoke, I\'d probably have no interest in it.


I told him all about my tattoo idea again. I asked him what he thought, and he said that after I went to therapy I wouldn\'t need that tattoo anymore. That\'s where we left it, and it pissed me off pretty bad. I\'m kind of to the point where I\'m going to get the money together, and tell him when I\'m going, probably like a week in advance. And that\'s it. 


I don\'t want to mess up my marriage, but I feel like I let him do whatever he wants. I don\'t tell him not to do anything. Granted, I guess he\'s not really getting involved in anything that is "bad" like I want to do. But still. It\'s my damn body. If I want to fill it with nicotine and ink then that\'s my own decision. 


I\'m not even talking about getting all inked up all over. I\'m talking about the word love on my wrist, so that I can feel like I\'m safe. So I can feel like I can move forward with my life. That\'s not so much to ask. And I\'m not asking for his blessing. I know he won\'t ever approve. I\'m just asking for him to not be angry at me when it\'s there. And to let it go. 


Smoking that cigarette felt fucking great. 


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