I dont know what the fuck is going on. I went to clean my room and a huge wave of emotion washed over me. I really miss my ex. I miss her so much. I wish I could tell her. I want to talk to her and tell her whats going on now im not sure if she cares anymore but i think she does but i know that i shouldnt because im still not the best i could be and i dont want to open any old wonds for her and because she lives so far away there is no point because we cant really be together or spend time with eachother. I just feel like she was the one that i have always felt most comfortable around even tho it was always ont he phone but if we were together in person then it would be ok. I guess i really trusted her. I trusted her and I want to be able to trust someone again. I felt most comfortable around her. But when I started to fall into my depression it was so hard to be with her in a long distance relationship. I trusted her when I wasn’t depressed I was so happy with her. I miss her. Im like crying my heart out right now. its been a month or something like that since i last talked to her. its so hard to keep your feelings in and not express what you want because i know i shouldnt be with her. She was so good to me but im so messed up. its so hard to just keep it all in. I’m forcing myself to stay away from her. she supported me  she made me feel safe and loved. I want her to be with me but i know im no good. this stupid depression. because of it im conviced that i should never be in a relationship. i dont thik ill ever had what i had when i was with her.

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