Drawing a deep breath…when all else fails, blog blog blog

I had expected a small “crash” after the intensity of Thursday but had anticipated talking to my mental health uptake worker on Friday to level me back out. The gods clearly decided otherwise. Friday here was a snow day and I was not able to keep my appointment. Heloise called and re-booked for December 31st and chatted for a brief while talking about how I was doing with the holidays coming up. I was doing okay after our chat and the day progressed slowly with me watching the weather and sharing pictures of the snow with an email friend who lives in the “deep south”.

When his workday ended at 4:00 pm my time, well then everything started sliding and I found it difficult to hold onto the walls of the abyss as I descended into it. I utilized all the tools I have gained through the years to keep myself from falling too fast or too deep. My email friend will be back on Monday for a day or two before vanishing again for the holidays. He and I used to play an online, multi-player game together for 4 or 5 years until I decided it was time to let go of that fantasy and try to find a better use of my time. Now after two months, almost three, later I am missing the social contact of the game. I would re-subscribe but financially that is not viable. Moreover, I am not so sure it would be the best thing for me anyway. Right now, I am just going through an intense phase of loneliness that will pass when the holidays are over and the ghosts of Christmas seasons past have moved on.

Last night I cried for what seemed like hours, it was a pity party of one and I did put a limit on how long I was going to permit it to carry on. We are all entitled to our feelings of self-pity but I have learned to put a timer on it. An hour is the maximum I will allow or I will end up wallowing for days, which is not only unhealthy but also very self-destructive.

I took my sleeping medications early as a way to avoid the feelings that were consuming me. They did not help, and I was awake until well after 2:00 am. Three or four times through the evening I got dressed to go out and buy cigarettes, but stopped myself reminding self that I was patched and I had already had a “crutch” evening and deserve better than to ruin months of not smoking.

I slept really late, was about noon when I dragged myself from bed after a restless sleep fraught with vivid nightmares. My eyes were swollen almost shut from crying, my tear ducts will not permit tears to fall, my eyes simply swell. I gave myself a stern talking to, showered, put make up on and went out. The roads now clear and passable after yesterdays freak snowfall. I made the mistake of trying to go shopping for the few items I require to make Christmas dinner. My anxiety levels were climbing as I circled parking lots looking for parking. At that point, I decided to come home and not over stress, I will go out tomorrow morning when everyone is at church or earlier when the crowds are smaller and more manageable. I did however stop and grab a submarine sandwich and a coke and yes a package of cigarettes.

Just for today, I will relax on the sofa, or play mahjong at a game site. I will applaud my choices of not wanting to stretch myself to far and slowly work myself back out of the darkness that seems to be engulfing me. I may use my Seroquel in a small dose to keep the anxiety at bay. I will be kind to myself, I will keep working the positive affirmations and remind myself I am a good kind person who is worthy of being treated as I would treat others. I will not give into the loneliness but remind myself that there are others who are like me and even those worse off. I will count my blessings, well, I will count them when I can remember what they are. I will remind myself that in the past 30 years I was strong enough to stand when all my friends and family have died. I bear witness to who they were and that they were here and in my heart they will all remain as young and beautiful as the last time I saw them upright and breathing regular.

My depression will not define me, I will maintain and I will keep pushing forward through the darkness!