I\'m sorry it\'s a been a while since I\'ve been back to update on my therapy, group, and "homework".  Partly because I\'ve been lazy, but also partly because I\'ve been working on the same exercise for a few weeks.  Which has been to accept my feelings, and let the feelings I have be felt.  It is not always easy, but it made me realize that I do hold a LOT of emotion back, and then it gets backed up, and then my emotional well(so to speak) gets FULL, and THEN it leaks out in wacky and sometimes incongruent times, which causes MORE anxiety about having emotions.  It\'s a mouth-full, a brain-full, and a vicious cycle.  So, when I\'m feeling…I have made a conscious effort to let myself feel a bit.  So far it\'s only been by myself, with my husband, recently with my very best friend, and in group.  I\'m not sure I feel immediate results, but I forgive/let myself and try to keep in mind the work that is being done in the right direction.

 

My experience at Group has really improved for me over the last couple meetings.  My compassion and empathy with members of the group has really grown as I\'ve witnessed them sharing, crying/emoting, and letting me cry randomly.  The theme that has come up underneath every story is people being so brutal with theirselves.  With everyone they can envision a little child…a younger version of them, and what that little "whoever" is feeling and doing when they are talking about their pain and frustration.  And it really strikes me.  I really relate to that image.  And it makes me more compassionate about other people, AND, although difficult, will slowly be a great tool for me over time.  We discuss being vulnerable openly, and how hard it is to need, to feel, to express need to others…especially people we are in a position to rely on to satisfy our needs.  Be it family, partners, doctors, friends, etc. 

 

My next exercise is to consider a metaphor of a speaker.  The speaker would be emotions of mine, where there is a volume knob(which I\'m pretty sure goes to eleven), but I insist on using the "off" switch all the time.  So, my challenge, if you will, is to work on opening up times for myself to leave that switch "on", WHILE I\'m just living my life.  Just letting that flow stay open from time to time and really listen to my emotions instead of just hearing them, being offended and shutting them off.  Right?! Right.  I initially didn\'t like this idea, and in fact it made me feel a bit emotional, which even then I instinctively held back!  With my therapist, who I still feel guarded around.  I have to say that even though I have logically comitted to following his advice, I am still working on trusting him. 

 

So, in the way of my exercise, last night I realized that I needed a bit of a cry.  My chest was tight, I felt all high-strung, and I wasn\'t feeling "in the mood" when my husband wanted to be intimate. I told him I needed to cry and he let me.  I think it was a good thing….I relaxed a little more, but my chest still hurts today unfortunately.  You know how some people get stress headaches, I get stress chestaches.  But I cried for myself, and I cried for some of my friends and family who have lost loved ones lately.  I\'ll admit here that I\'m a little distressed about how many people have died lately near my circle of peops, and how many new people are pregnant.  Overall, it\'s life, but it\'s just more concentrated lately.  I\'ll wrap this up now. 🙂

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