I’m drinking a cup of lavender tea. It usually helps with my anxiety, and boy is my anxiety ever high. It tastes a bit strong, but I like it that way, that’s how I know it will do its job. I wish so much my medication would do ITS job. Geez Louise, it’s not helping at all! I can’t explain what’s wrong with the world, I just know that things don’t look right to my eyes. I am longing for the days when the world was beautiful. It is certainly not beautiful anymore, not in the least. Everything feels like it’s disappearing, I can’t explain it better than that, things just don’t look right to my eyes. Now I’m getting repetitive. This happens when my anxiety is too high, I just start writing the same things over and over. I wrote a blog post this morning about how I am at my wit’s end with all of this. And I am, but I am feeling better now that my husband is home. I’m still dealing with all my symptoms, but it’s easier to handle with my husband here.

I’m listening to the jazz station, I love this program on KCSM, it’s called the Jazz Oasis. They play relaxing, low-tempo jazz from 6 to 9pm. One thing I don’t like about spring is that the sun goes down later and later until the first day of summer. Daylight Savings Time has a lot to do with that. The sun used to go down at 6:30, and now because of Daylight Savings Time it’s closer to 7:30. I prefer the nighttime, because that’s the only time the world looks normal to my eyes. I don’t have to see how terrible everything looks when it’s dark. I like to go out for drives when it’s dark out.

I’m eating cereal and yogurt right now. I seriously have the munchies, because I just ate a bagel too. I absolutely love Trader Joe’s French Village Cream Line yogurt. It has that delicious layer of cream at the very top.  The only downside is that it’s not organic. I would prefer to get all organic dairy. Our milk and half and half and butter are organic. The yogurt is the only thing that isn’t. But I love Cream Line so much, I’m willing to veer from my organic standards. I’m steeping another cup of lavender tea. This time I will put honey in it. How I long for the world to go back to being beautiful again. Because right now, the way it looks, it’s just so darn ugly, I can’t stand it! And where are all these godforsaken orange cones coming from? Crews are just leaving them out and not picking them up when the work is done.

I am longing for some normalcy. I am longing to feel safe again. I am longing for beauty and peace. Why is it so much to ask for? I’m not asking for a big house, or a fancy car, or lots of money. I’m just asking for the world to look normal again, and to be able to feel safe in the world. Each night I go to bed early, between now and 8pm, because I just can’t sit up with the world falling apart at the seams. I hate that this is my life now, I really hate it. I can’t deal with this anymore. Things just look so bad to my eyes, I don’t know what to do! What does one do when one’s world starts to literally break apart at the seams?