First of all let me start out by saying that no one mentioned in this entry is a member of this site. These people are either people from another site that I have visited or they are real people in my life but whose names have probably been changed to avoid any negative retaliation against me on their parts.

The reason that I am writing this is just because I have had some issues or thoughts on my mind that have been really bothering me and I needed to get them out. I don’t really have anyone to talk to. The people who I actually thought were my friends; well I have discovered that they are not. I guess I really don’t have that many friends, if any at all. I don’t know but the last few weeks I have really felt more alone than I have ever felt before in my life and I am not really sure how to handle these feelings. I feel a combination of anger and betrayal and possible some other emotions that I haven’t really figured out yet. They are so bunched up and tied in knots that I can’t really identify what they are right now but I’m sure that I will in time.

One thing that I can honestly say is that, in my experience, being honest with people, opening up to them and showing the real me has done nothing but cause me massive amounts of trouble. I have lamented at lengths the true debts of the emptiness I feel inside but that doesn’t seem to matter because I have come to realize that not one single, solitary person was actually listening to me. It’s one thing to be there, to be needed or even required to be a good friend to someone, to be their rock or their shoulder to cry on but when the tables are turned and you suddenly find yourself needing support from that person then you soon realize who your true friends are because that is when you find yourself alone for the very first time. Or maybe it’s the first time that you had actually opened up your eyes long enough to see that you have been alone the entire time.

I watch movies and see these really strong relationships where your friends all group together to help you out of whatever sticky situation that you have found yourself in. Or you find that one true love that will move earth and heaven just to be with you, to be near you, to hold you and have you hold them. What I have discovered is that those scenarios are all BS. Those types of relationships do not exist, at least not for me. When I walk away, no one follows. When I cry, no one wipes my tears. When I need a shoulder to cry on all I hear is how everyone has issues and to stop whining and grow up or get over it. When I got married, no one threw me a bachelor party, and none of my friends came to the wedding. My so called best friend was supposed to be my best man but at the last minute I had to have my wife’s cousin stand up with me, a man who I barely know, because my best friend decided that it would be more fun to take off with a bunch of buddies and go to an amusement park. The other people that I invited, they merely forgot about it. They were given invitations, I talked about the upcoming event at work and even told everyone that I was taking that weekend off because I was getting married, yet they forgot. Women there have gotten baby showers thrown for them by co-workers and gotten wedding gifts and invited to cook outs and things like that. I never even so much as got a card. I never got a card when my daughter was born or even a mention on my birthday. I tried to get someone to work for me on my birthday so I could have it off and no one would so I was stuck working on my birthday but then when someone else needed a day off for something they come to me and ask me to work it for them.

I’m not saying that I expect these kinds of things, I am just wondering, what is wrong with me that I never get them? My best friend Sarah from high school who I haven’t spoken to in about five years now, I literally had to pay her or bribe her to spend time with me. Unless I offered to cook dinner for her or pay her way to a movie or something she wouldn’t give me the time of day. I wasn’t invited to her wedding though I got her a gift. She couldn’t even post happy birthday on my facebook page. I drove thirty minutes to her house on her birthday, planning to take her out to dinner and give her a card. I ended up having to leave the card in her door because she wasn’t home. Later on I asked her what happened, I thought she was sick or in an accident, why else would she blow me off that way? What she told me basically ended my friendship with her. She said that some girl friends of her called and wanted to take her out for a drink and they were out partying all night long. Was it so hard for her to pick up a phone and say hey, I won’t be home after all why don’t you come by later? How can I matter so little to people? My wife, I would cook her meals on her birthday or mother’s day, get her a card and a gift and flowers. She told me happy father’s day as she crawled out of bed and walked half asleep into the bathroom. No card, no gift, no dinner. Her excuse, I’m not her father.

So, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t matter to anyone. I am nothing, I am a no body and I am a loser. I try to be funny, I try to be nice. I would take the shirt off my back and give it to someone in need but then they would just want my car and credit card so they can go out and party with their friends. My friend Erin omg, why I stayed friends with her so long I have no idea.; My twenty-first birthday I asked her if I could use her house to have a birthday party and invite some of my friends to it. My parents wouldn’t allow me to have friends and drink in their house. Erin said sure, as long as I paid for all the food and booze and stuff which was fine. I bought all the stuff, invited all my friends and had the whole thing planned. Then one week before the party a friend of hers said that he was having a Halloween party and invited her, she told him about the party I was having and he convinced her that his would be better. She actually called the people I had invited and told them that the party had been moved to her friend’s house, and then she called me and told me that she couldn’t have the party at her place after all because she was going out. So I was stuck with all this food and alcohol and no party and she was like, well give me the alcohol and I will take it to my friends party, so I let her and of course I never got paid for any of it, happy birthday to me.

I know that this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but honestly I am just trying to understand what I did wrong, why I am alone. Being nice and helpful has gotten me used and discarded. I want to make a difference in someone’s life. I want to matter; I want someone to say that I was a really good friend to them and that they are happy they met me. Unfortunately, no one has ever said that and probably will never say that. I’m just a joke and not in a good way. People laugh at me behind my back and just tolerate my presence but they don’t really want me around. Maybe I try too hard, maybe I am too annoying, maybe I just am not that likable, but at least they could treat me like a person and not some stupid dog that they kick away from them then lock out on the front porch while they eat dinner. I guess I am going to spend my life looking through the window wishing I could be a part of something and not just left out in the cold.