The mood menu needs to have the words "reflective", "empowered" and "insightful" added to it. ~soft chuckle~ Popping my pills and heading to bed.
I am strong, I am resilient, I am tenacious, and I will overcome . I just do not know when. I must learn to live with the things I do know and not dwell on the things I do not.
I am also depressed. Deeply depressed, chronically, severely and endlessly depressed.
Depression has many different faces, and I have viewed many but I fear not all.
I have hung by my fingertips to the edge of the abyss not wanting to fall in deeper, for the climb out is long and arduous. Many times I have sat huddled on a thin rock shelf, mustering the strength to climb higher away from the dark depths. Then been struck and found myself falling back down the craggy slope to a different place closer to the deep darkness.
I learn the terrain and again find a way that appears clearer then others to the light that is so dim from this depth. And I once again begin the climb no longer wondering if there is a way out, I just know that I have to try.
Often there are thoughts of just freeing myself of the rock that holds me, and falling freely into the unknown. Allowing it to swallow me and end the torment. But I cannot, I must climb, I must get out or at the very least find a spot where I feel safe and can rest before continue seeking the light that I know must be there. I am told this is called "faith". And for some reason it is strong in me.
I have been waging this war with depression for longer than I care to admit. I have an arsenal of tools and weapons gathered from workshops, therapies, and medications. I will find the correct combination. I may never find my way completely free of the chasm but I am certainly going to locate a more even terrain.