I wake up several times throughout the night from aching tendonitis. Putting off the start of my morning. Roll out of bed(couch).
No need for food because I – #1 am too sad to be hungry, #2 my mind is playing tricks on me telling me i'm fat even though i am very small but how can i argue with my head. so skip food.
Smoke the first cigarette in 12 hours (failing at quitting because every day i do i suddenly quit caring about anything and feel it's pointless but still down to just a small few all day).
Wait for my co-worker/roommate/ex best(and only) friend micah to ride together to work. Every time we're in the same room i get this upsetting feeling in my stomach from being betrayed and abandoned and alone.
After the awkward silence that is our ride to work, I get that familiar feeling of disgust with being there. My job is simply to break my body for a small income while earning money for very rich owners who are (in my and many of our opinions there) evil. They scam people. It's a well orchestrated scam. Targeted towards old people, the less intelligent and the down and out. It's complicated just know being there is soul sapping. Btw, my roommate enjoys it and feel they deserve what they get because they don't know better or are "stupid". He's a devout christian also.
Today was one of those days that i don't even feeling like pretending i'm okay inside. Every couple of minutes I get reminded that all i want is to get the new shun knife i've been waiting for and put it in the place that will stop my heart beat the quickest (I envision it with multiple stab wounds to the chest really fast and without emotion so i can't stop). That and alternating with terrible memories, the constant realization i'm alone in the world and my head telling me my life is going nowhere and i won't amount to anything and should just give up now even though another part of my objectivist mind is fighting and telling me i'll do great things one day i just have to keep working for it and fighting the "easy way out".
I go the rest of the day not eating because i hate how i look (even though other times i'm very confident despite whether i'm attractive. looks aren't everything i tell myself). Not talking to anyone or when i have to it's the quietest whispers and dry throated sounds that come out. No eye contact.
One person comments that i look paler than usual today "are you sick, or having a bad day?". I say in a melancholy tone, "having a bad life".
Mix in some sympathetic but non understanding looks/greetings and part having freak outs (which is something i do when i feel i'm on the verge of attempting suicide. i don't care about making scenes because it won't matter what they think of me soon.)
My day in a nut shell.
That new knife came in. Gorgeous. Dangerously sharp. I'm calling in tomorrow. To try and sort out my head.