How could i stay in a marriage that wasn’t what it was supposed to be?  Why would it take until i decided to come back to the states–permanently–to finally get the truth?   

i know i’ve made a lotta mistakes in my life and will never measure up to the person i’ve desired to be.  But, i have tried to be as open and honest as possible, throughout.  Maybe i’m overthinking it?  Perhaps i’ve always missed something, and it finally made sense when he flat-out told me?  *sigh  If i had the answers, i’d be able to make money with it.  But, it is what it is.  Even as messy as things may seem, i know it can always be/get worse.  The things people do to one another, even unintentionally, tend to leave some long-lasting wounds.  After six years ‘together,’ it wound up being a huge facade?  mistake?  lie?  –whatever it was, it wasn’t right.  How can you tell your partner you have one desired lifestyle, and keep the fact that you have other desires, bottled-up, until a possible end to the relationship?  i might not’ve been the cause for his changing ideas and desires, but it sure makes me question a lotta things.  So, for now, we’re friends….*sigh

i knew the holidays wouldn’t be easy for me, considering this past year.  But, at least i’m not trying to actively cause more physical damage to myself.  –i guess that’s a plus.  Some days, it feels like i can’t do anything right or ever will.  And, others, i get quite a bit accomplished–or so it seems.  i’m still trying to get Gabe’s father to be more responsive–actually answer the phone and have a conversation–but, it seems almost impossible, most of the time.  Something is gonna have to change.  And, of course, the old fears keep creeping back in, too.  Since i’m back in my home state, i continue to go through times of panic, thinking/fearing a knock on the door or hearing their voices….Do i really believe they might show up?  No….not really.  But, then again, i never thought a lotta things would happen that did.  *sigh  i just have to keep trying to get things done and if something happens and they show up, i can always call for help….i hope.  Geez….i sound like i’m hiding from them and constantly thinking they’ll show up to do more damage.  Not my intention.  i’ve got to keep my eyes open and pay attention, but i can’t live in fear.  –just have to keep telling myself that.  “People” are gonna be who/what they are, regardless of my input, and i just have to be able to take care of things from my perspective.  Hopefully, that won’t ever be an issue.

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