i feel worse than i have in a while… sososo alone :/ i hate it… my best friend, my only true friend, the one i was supposed to run away with… she got kicked out and she's moving all the way to Texas in less than three weeks… she's been the only thing i've been holding onto for a while. i stayed alive because she needed me. but she doesn't need me anymore. last night, we had Chorus rehearsal, and i walked in crying silently, and she came over, being exactly like THEM. like every other person who doesn't care about me, who thinks they know me but they only know the person i used to pretend to be, the happy crazy me. she didn't care that i was upset. she just skipped over and was all "oh, what's wrong???!!!" all obnoxious, only to hop off when i didn't respond… just like all those other people who thought i considered them "friends". no. friends are the one who stick by you no matter what, like i did for them, but they just couldn't for me. when people see me like that, they think "oh, there she goes again. depressed as always." it's nothing more to than that to anyone. i'm nothing. i have no one. no one to try for. no one to be there for me. i have nothing left. i mean, i used to say this all the time, when i was broken down and in an irrational state of mind, but right now my head is clear, my first day on a full dose of medication, and i can see now… you really don't know what you have until it's gone… but now what? i refuse to go day after day literally without saying a word to anyone. i've faded, i'm not there, in that seat in the back of the room, passing smiling faces in the hall. i'm not even real. there is no shimmer of hope, no trace that i was ever even real in the first place. i'm so far gone that nobody noticed i was there at all. i could scream in the middle of the crowd and still not be heard, i allow this agony inside me take over and consume me, and show every ounce of this hurt and still they wouldn't be able to see me. i've faded into nothing, and now i'm invisible, entirely transparent to their blind eyes. if i were to end it today, right now, i can't find an answer to what they'd say or think. it wouldn't matter anyway, once it's too late, it's too late. there's no getting out of here, away from this place, so what then? i think i know the answer, i just don't know how to grasp it, or bring myself to it… i'm just done trying.