I'm finally on a computer upon which DT doesn't look broken or crashed. I apologise, this might be a long post because it was sort of an eventful week. I'm breaking it up into… bloglets. Or whatever you want to call them.

Sunday: So Close Yet So Denied

This past Sunday… I made myself leave the house for a purpose other than groceries or work. It took most of the afternoon to psych myself up to it, but I decided I would attempt eating at a restaurant again. The last time I ate at one alone was December, and that was an uncomfortable experience. So I talk myself into going, though I still felt a lot of trepidation about this plan. I actually got dressed. It felt weird wearing something that was "normal" clothes, as opposed to sloppy house clothes or work clothes. I got into the car and drove to the restaurant – I had planned where I was going, and what I was going to order. I was pretty anxious – I had a death-grip on the poor steering wheel. A song I liked came on the radio, which helped me relax a little (Opeth, "Baying of the Hounds" for the curious…). I was still kind of proud of me for getting this far though – dressed, in the car, and actually intending to sit down and eat in a restaurant. I get to the parking lot… the place was CLOSED. I was at a loss for several minutes… all that effort for nothing. But I decided if I had gotten that far, then damn it, I was going to find some place to eat. So I walked around the downtown area near by. It felt weird, walking out in the open like that. Some guy on the corner tried telling me about an event he was handing out fliers for. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he talked to me, and I stammered some sort of "no thanks". No restaurants were open that were not horribly expensive or Mexican-style (and therefore packed since it was Cinco de Mayo). I gave up and went to the grocery store for something for dinner… my stomach kind of wanted to eat itself at this point, and I'd be out past dark if I looked any longer. Even the vietnamese place next to the grocery I had been meaning to try someday was closed. Lesson learned: dinner on a sunday evening is not feasible. I guess the experience wasn't a total loss though – I got dressed. I saw the light of day. the weather was nice. A street violinist played Schubert's Ave Maria for me. Not ready to try restaurants again though.

Wednesday: Taking steps?

On Wednesday, I went to a counselor for the first time in many years. I can't handle the cabinet nights, taking my misery to work, not being able to put this thing away, being stranded in the fog of Nothing. There's got to be an out. I'm already at the point that I really wish I'd stop waking up each day, or that a semi would run a red light and hit me, but I'm not at the point of wanting to actively harm myself. It's crossing my mind regularly enough though, that it was time to get out of my head. I need OUT of the fog.

I called some employee assistance thing my job offers. I knew of the benefit, but was/am highly suspicious of it. It sounds too good to be true – there has to be some sort of catch to it. If nothing else, maybe it would get me a referral or a foot in the door to something that wasn't a trick though? Anyways, the program matched me up to a counselor. I read this person's reviews before going – they're bloody awful! Maybe this program is like the legal system where you get some sort of crap legally appointed defence forced to work pro bono to atone for some guild sin or something. Idunno. I decided to go because if anything, someone with reviews this bad might be entertaining, and suposedly, if the counselor doesn't work out, I get the visit "credited" back to me for use with another counselor – going to a crap counselor won't eat into my covered visits, so there wasn't much to lose. I googled mapped the place on street view so I'd know where I was going, but I was still terrified I'd end up in the wrong place. She works out of her home (WEIRD), and homogenous housing communities make me really nervous since it all looks alike.

Her waiting room was SO PINK. I hate pink. Trivial, but wowzers, Barbie pink.

As far as the counselor herself, I'm not sure yet how I feel about her. I felt like she might leap to conclusions. I'll give her another go though, since the first visit is always bunk because it's the "getting to know you" visit. I thought counselors weren't supposed to be reactive to what a patient had to say – no "OMG", or "That's awful!", etc. She said much of that sort of thing. I had some crummy elements to tell her about when she asked questions about my history – I know they're crummy, so I don't really need her affirmations. I wonder how she'll respond when we keep going, since I haven't even gotten to the worst stuff yet.

In general….

Whew, finally getting to the end of this long-winded treatise. I'd been saving all this stuff – it's the stuff I wanted to talk about when I tried logging into DT only to find it looking crashed.

I really hope that this counseling wil result in my meds getting readjusted. What I'm on now, or maybe just the current dose, isn't cutting it. It takes everything I have to go to work each day. I can't accomplish simple tasks outside of work. You don't want to see my house. If it wasn't for work, I doubt I'd shower or change clothes. Gross, but true. Anxiety is starting to act up, and I want that stopped in its tracks before it gets any worse. I can barely do my job when I'm at work, and my job requires attention and focus. I have neither for very long at a time.

As far as my best friend goes, she seems better off now that I don't bother her anymore. I see her posts on the facebook feed – she seems to be a little more sociable and more creative. She's usually depressed or not feeling well, but she actually posted about having some good days for once. That didn't happen before. I'm glad she seems to be doing better. It seems like I should feel sad that she seems better without me – but I don't feel much at all. It seems like I should feel bad about that, too.. but I don't. I love (loved?) her because she was one of the very few, if not the only one, that could reach me through all the Nothing. Once I realised I was dragging her down with me, I started pushing her away, back into the Nothing. Now I feel as numb towards her as I do towards anyone else. Like my husband (exish), it seems like I should feel something for these faded relationships. But these people, my life situation, my job… it's just all numb. It's all fading into the Nothing. I should feel things about all of these, but I don't. I should feel something for not feeling anything about these things, but I don't. This can't be good. That counselor better defy all those shit reviews and help me find my way out. I've never been stuck so deeply before. I don't want a boatload of Nothing, working at pointless job, and sleeping whenever I'm not at work to be the entirety of my existence.

This weekend

So, this weekend I have a bunch to do. Since mundane tasks like eating, showering, or doing much of anything seem Herculean, I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to do these things that need to be done. Among them: prepare for the lawyer consult on Monday. I need to figure out what I want to ask and get the most out of my hour with her, as much as I'm paying for that hour.

The husband comes the following week to take the last of his belongings and his furnitre. I need to finish packing it all up.

I also want to clean. I don't want him or his father in law to see what my life is really like. The don't need to see the mess, or ask me why the kitchen smells of moldy oranges. As much of an air of surperiority as they have, I don't want to give them anything that will contribute to it, if that makes sense?

Ugh. Good luck and godspeed with all of that.

1 Comment
  1. flowermantis 10 years ago

    Hi spookloops, your life sounds a bit like mine. I have a job that also requires a lot of focus and I literally crawl there the 4 days a week I work. I used to work 5 days but due to awful pain issues on my body I had to cut down a few weeks ago. I have similar things to the cabinet nights you describe but they exist as me in my bed locked in my room. I also went to a counsellor from my work employee assistance and she was a dud counsellor! I think you and I would have a bit in common and it's a shame we live on opposite sides of the world , I think we would probably communicate well to each other . I am drowning in this world and am fighting desperately to not go under. Yeah, it's hard. Anyway, all the very best to you, I hope things turn out ok in the end for us both.

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