i got out of bed today with every intention on getting ready to go job hunting. but as i got out of the shower and sat there brushing my hair i found myself in tears. Today was the first time in almost a week that ive gotten out of bed to take care of myself. i found myself taking my computer into my room and watching movies all day and night. while everyone eles out there is working their jobs and taking care of their kids i find myself in bed crying all day. I dont know whats worse the fact that i have no job right now and cant support my daughter or the fact that i cant get myself out of bed to make her dinner. shes been out of school for two weeks for the holidays, and i wasnt even fine over the holidays, i tried to put on a smile for her and i tried to enjoy the time with her but i found myself falling even further and further into this dark hole that i cant seem to get out of. I have my mom go to the store for me for what ever needs i have or my daughter, and i sit in my room day in and day out i honestly cant remember the last time i had a real meal or even eat.. so its hard for me to even admit to this.. i want to just have a good day and not feel like im suffering anymore. and i cant even do that without tearing up. i break down when no one is around and put on this fake smile like everything is going to be A OKAY. but in the back of my mind i honestly dont know if everything is going to be okay… i take one step forward and fall two steps back. i know things could be alot worse then they really are and im thankful every day that i have the family that i have the kids that i have. but for some reason i cant get out of this depression.. i say im going to do something and i never follow thru with it. I never follow thru with anything anymore!!! gawd i hate this feeling inside of me… well thats it for now. gotta try and put on a happy face for everyone today…

1 Comment
  1. sadjac 11 years ago

    Having a shower was a good move! Have you seen a doctor or a therapist? If you haven't, you probably should.. But for your daughter.. She wouldnt want you being so down would she?

    Hang in there.

    – jac

    0 kudos

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