Get ready for eye strain…if I don’t have the paragraphs figured out.
I don’t know what I should do with my friends. One of them seems to be trying to come back into my life. And just from the past few months of 2007, the very few times that I have spoken to her, listening to her talk, it sounds like she knows how she’s treated me and the effects her actions had/have on me. They’re excuses to me, and they anger me, especially when they seem to be lies. Why do I think that they’re lies? e.g. Not too long ago, she was explaining why she hadn’t done something, but the time when it had happened, she had given me a DIFFERENT reason. And she’s always explaining herself, only she does it again. And she’s often said one thing and done another.
I received another call from her yesterday, and she tried to explain herself again with something else, only I had cut her off and said something that meant that I wasn’t blaming her for something…And after I had said it, I wish I hadn’t. I had taken steps into making her feel like she had done nothing wrong!…What’s wrong with me? Cuz here I could’ve confronted her. I guess I just hate making someone feel bad, and it was a reflex. I’m curious what she would’ve said if I hadn’t stopped her.
After hanging up yesterday, I realized that I had sort of begun to sway into letting her back in…to believing or just accepting what she’s saying and not questioning it. But, from many past experiences, I shouldn’t, cuz I’ve done this so many times before (she doesn’t even know how many times I’ve had internal wars over her, and she’d win), and we’d have like a year or something of being good friends, and I’d forget all that she’s done, then she’d do something again that would really hurt me, something that’s so similar to what she’s done before, everything just floods back to me, and I’d be back to where I was before, with renewed pain. Another wound to add to my collection.
Forgiving is good, I know…but — I’m so confused! What do you think I should do? From what she’s been saying to me this past month, she seems to be trying to make changes…
And from what friend #2 said one time, it seems as though both friends have been talking about me. I guess those few times that things slipped out into my conversation with friend #2, friend #2 told friend #1. And if they have spoken to each other about me, do they know what they had done wrong, or do they have everything all wrong about me…perhaps blaming me, I suppose. I’m not surprised, as that’s what they do. I guess that even if they have some of it right, they don’t know it all. If there’s still tension between me and them in the future, I know that they will be blaming me, and it’s partly true, cuz that would be due to me not letting them back in.
One time, we had sort of gotten into an argument about one of the problems I have with her, and there was the chance to finally get everything open. But my brain isn’t quick anymore, and I had spent all last summer and the first term of school trying to forget, I guess, so that I wouldn’t feel anymore, so that when I had a chance to speak, I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t bring out past incidences to back up the things I said, so that it made it seem like I had all these fingers to point but no reason at all to be doing that. And it DEFINITELY did not help to have friend #2 involved, attacking me at the same time. I wish I had my quick memory back. I still hear friend #2 saying, “But that happened so long ago!” and “But she says she’s changing!” There was stuff I could’ve said to both those things, but didn’t want to. Because it would’ve turned ugly, when it already was quite ugly…in the quiet restaurant (ha). Anything I said would’ve been so long ago, ANYWAYS, as she’s been off with her bf all the time.
But wouldn’t it be stupid of me to do this again (let them back in)? My mind tells me I shouldn’t let them back in (knowing how I so want to smooth things out, even if that means that I’d be compromising myself). Something tells me that, even though friend #1 says she’s making changes, she probably won’t.
You know what I just realized? Even if she makes those couple of changes that she’s told me, I guess even those aren’t enough…because they’re mainly about boyfriends and herself. It’s never been exactly the fact that my friends were with their bfs all the time, but that during this time (when they’re no longer single), has really revealed to me what kind of friends they are…had me thinking and realizing all this stuff that they’ve been doing, taking advantage of me. I’ve really been an idiot all this time, refusing to see. I think I should be thankful that those boyfriends came.
I don’t know if there are more changes that she wants to make that I haven’t heard, but I really don’t think she realizes all that she does to me, cuz there’s more. She DID however, seem to address one of them…just touched it. Who knows. But from what I know right now, I guess I can conclude that I should not let her in. I shouldn’t let either of them in. Now I just have to figure out what I can say to them (no more personal thoughts and feelings) and how I behave around them.
Behaving like things are normal proves to be hard. Lately, I’ve been cold around them, and even though I tried to cover it up, they noticed…since it’s a huge change from me being talkative and making fun of myself, to me just being quiet and just lifting corners of my lips that last a couple seconds. And then there’s the depression that’s hit more hard than ever, even more than last year when sudden bursts of tears would happen out of nowhere on the buses (and strangers seeing), and having to deal with it mostly on my own. They’ll never know what sort of things that have been happening to me this schoolyear, and I hope I never leak it out to them. I realized that they don’t deserve to know.
My problems with friend #2 are totally different. They’re kinda silly, so I’m embarrassed to even talk about them. But this idioticism has cumulated into something so outrageously stupid that I just can’t handle it anymore. When it had started, I thought it was soo stupid, that I just held it in. But it just kept happening, and it’s now too much to hold.
I’m hesitant about posting this. Cuz this all seems so lame and so easily fixable. Solution: confront them. But the times I’ve tried, only had them criticizing me more, like having arrows shoot at me while having my armour down. If I ever confront them I’d have to be strong…but I know that I’m not. I’d just crumple into tears. And every single time that they contact me, all these feelings surface. Anger in the daytime, and then tears at night. Oh, and it just hit me why friend #1 suddenly has been calling me: because she needs somebody to run with — a selfish reason.
I think I lost whoever who wasn’t frightened off by the sight of the length of this entry after the 3rd paragraph maybe…:S
Now that I’ve sat here for like an hour or so, typing this all out, can I get back to my frustrating math homework??! I wish I could just “ohhmmmmm” (or whatever they say) thoughts of my friends off like the buddha, and concentrate on math. 😛
I’ve also been trying to listen to more happier music. Having a look at what I have, there’s actually not many songs that are. I might have some energetic songs but with unhappy/angry topics though. The only songs that seem to be really happy are poppy ones about love. And I’ve really given up on love, with this and things going on at home. I guess that’s all I can listen to..I give up. Bring ’em on — brainwash me.