It's been a long while since I've blogged, but I thought I should share my new found realisation.
About a month ago I had yet another short-lived relationshipturbulently end. Crockery was smashed, blood was even drawn (albeit accidentally) and it's safe to say any hope of reconcilliation was utterly destroyed in the moment. I'm not too fussed about the person in question now, I've had time to reflect and in the long run the chances of it working were slim.
The realisation I made though was that Iconsistently sabotage my relationships and never get to see the organic ending. I cry and I scream and I lash out, I get paranoid and clingy and my perspectives are skewed. It hit me like a lightning bolt a couple of days after the breakup that I have been suppressing some knowledge I have had for years, for fear of having an unpleasant label put on me. On reading the symptoms and diagnostic criteria it is irrefutable…
I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I've known it for years, whenever I've seen anything on the topic it's like someone is holding up a mirror to me. It feels very daunting to think that I have this.
I should probably say at this point that I haven't been formally diagnosed yet. I am hesitant to go to a doctor as I know that BPD isn't always recognised as it should be. I tried to get a psych assessment by my local mental health counselling service but had a horrible experience with my assessor and am reluctant to try again. It also goes without saying for me that I am keeping it quite private, I have told a few of my closest friends mainly to get their opinions but short of that I am keeping quiet.
BPD explains so much about myself it's astonishing, it explains my black-and-white perspective on things, my stormy personal relationships and inability to form lasting ones, my tendency to rely on alcohol, and the fact that I have never felt normal.
Now I know this about myself I feel as though I'm on a journey, it's exciting because I feel like I may actually have a chance of a normal life now that I have an idea what is wrong. It's very scary too.