Well its almost 6 am here and I just got home. I went to spend the last hours of 2009 with a few family members that live here in Holland too and I got to say I did enjoy it and had fun.

I was at home all day behind the computer and was planning to spend the evening onhere but then I decided to go anyways becaus staying here all alone would only make m more depressed. Of course there were some really bad moments for me there but then something crazy got to me. I normally dont drink but I was got into negativis and bad things thatare happening in my family. I felt pressured and decided to drink one br to calm me down. One of the reasons I dont drink is because after it I get severely stomache. So after I drank it here I was with this pain and Iwas prettymuch swollen too. But besides that I was very relaxed I decided to not drink more and stick to just that one because of the pain.

My cousin invited her friend too and I got to see he is an entertainer. I laugh most of the night with periods of trying to hide y tears but those were very small. Then I called my mom to say happy new year eventhough its not where she is. Now I did call her again andI supposed later I will call my grandmother who is 79.They live far away.

So I do realise that I am not entirely lonely. I did have alovely evening and laugh alot. It was so long ago I smiled and laugh like this. It made me forgot all these bad things I had in my mind for weeks for a minute. So eventhough they cant understand me I feel after this particular night that I am lucky that they even care to invite to spend new years eve at their house. For the first time in a long time i didnt even feel invicible.

There was some bad moments tonight but this is surely a better way to start this year. I haven''''t made any goals for this year except than just trying to do my best to survive another day and be thankfull for what I got. Even if its small the meaning can be gigantic.

I want to wish you all ahappy new year. Be safe, take care of yourself, please lets stop fighting each other we are all going to difficult times lets support each other and get each other through the pain. We might survive the day and maybe somebody be happy. My sencirely best wishes goes to all, take it easy and dont be to hard on yourselfs on making the goals for this new year.

Hugs.

LFF