So, yeah… I felt pretty God-awful the day of my funeral. (WOW, that was the most bizarre Freudian slip EVER. I meant to write "Graduation". I just noticed that 3 sentences later.) Partially because of my own situation of joblessness and partially because of the "surprise" graduation party. John said he invited around 20-30 people and only 9 showed–3 of which were my family, 2 where my friends, and the rest were John's work collegues.

I had told him months before I finished school that I didn't want a party–I'd rather just have a small intimate dinner with family and a few friends. I guess I got what I wanted in the long run, but it made me feel bad because John had tried to do something fun for me and it flopped. Everyone had their reasons why they couldn't come. My worst nightmare and reason for my party-planning phobia came true. Way to drive home my dead connections with people who don't really think about me EVER. On the way to the resurant, John's asked me: "You don't like having parties in your honor, do you?" I said, "I wouldn't know," and he looked like he felt sorry for me. It hurt a bit–because people tend to do that when they know what my childhood was like–you know, utterly joyless.

I used to have more friends than John when we first started dating. Not so much now. Everyone loves him, and with good reason. I can't imagine anyone not loving him. I wish people loved me like that. I've never been any good at being the person everyone loves. Right now, he seems to be the only one who does. While it feels so good to bask in his love for me, I know it's just not enough. I can't focus my whole world around one man. That's not healthy, and eventually it will drive him away.

The last couple of days, I've started to feel a little better. That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is fading, but not entirely gone. It's time to stop wallowing and get back on the job-hunting horse again. I can't afford to wait for myself to start feeling wonderful or anything. It will come. It has to come. If I don't believe that, I might just lay down and die.