I just got back a midterm with a score of 44%.  This class is suppose to be my easy one and although I had gotten really bad and emotionally detrimental news the night before I took the midterm, I feel like a failure now.  Part of me wants to drop out of school again and just work in retail for the rest of my life.  I can't amount to anything.  Yes, I might be on the more intelligent side of things, but in order to get anything done in this world you have to care, you have to be motivated.  Fucking Eddie made sure I wouldn't care about shit for the rest of my life.  The only motivation I've had since he molested me was to a) run away, b) hide and c) fucking kick his ass.

When I hit a low these days, it's really low.  I'm drinking my favorite juice and eating an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie right now while listening to my favorite symphony.  I'm sitting next to a window with the sun shining through and people are studying all around me.  On any normal day I'd be happy to study, happy to work toward a grade I can feel proud about.  Today I'm telling myself that if I eat anymore of that cookie I will be even fatter, that more of that juice will make me diabetic, that my symphony is just not making me happy and that I want all of these people around me to disappear so I can cut without being locked up somewhere expensive and judgemental.  I want a hug from either JK or EF.  But even then…I feel like I'm not good enough for JK and I know by the end EF was sick of all my emotional crap.  So maybe no to the outside emotional support.

I just need to open this physics book, learn all about electromagnatism and ace this midterm tomorrow night.  Getting another 79% on what is known to be one of the hardest classes on this campus would help me feel better.  And I bet I could get even better than 79% because this stuff is easier than the earlier stuff.  Fuck.  I hate college the way people hate middle or high school the big difference is I don't have parents threatening me to do well every second and I'm literally dropping thousands of dollars a month to be told I'm not good enough.  I am anything but excited for life right now…

1 Comment
  1. conflicted 13 years ago

    You are not a failure!! My first bad mark, I felt like shit for a month! it just made me want to prove them wrong and do better! I always want to prove people wrong that motivates me!! Find what motivates you and use it to your advantage every chance you can!

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