Before 2-3yrs ago, I lied a lot. I would say about 20-30 lies through my mouth everyday. I thought I could get away with it all and no one would ever founnd out. Until my mum noticed, then my close friends… then my not-so close friends.. then my teachers.. and so basically everyone knew that I was such a little liar.
I didn't care about what every thought and just carried on lying and lying. Then I met someone and he was nice 🙂 we talked and talked and then became almost bf-gf type of relationship. I made a huge mistake by making a big aweful lie. He didn't like it and told me not to do something like that ever again. I felt so bad that I tried to control myself and tried to stop lying so much. I've been controlling myself for a few weeks and it was getting better. I had to say that lying is in my nature, I can't help it. I had to lie, even there is absolutely no reason behind it. Anyway, I continued to cure my problem until I become honest and he was asking questions about my close male friend. Of course I told him the truth about us being close friends and that helped me a lot and stuff. I can't hide it nor can I lie about it. Even so, he got upset. I'm guessing he didn't like me having to be close friends with a guy. We kind of argued a little and he ignored me. My stupid self said something like.. I only want the truth.. he said something like "I could say that same for you"
At that moment, I was hurt. I blamed myself for being so stupid. I felt like I should stop being with him because I hurt him. My silly lies caused grief. I hate it. I hated myself. I didn't care anymore. I was stuck on what to do but I did know that I have to avoid him. He texted me the next day, and I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. That was the end of it.
Now that everyone knows my problem, no one believes me anymore. I have to honestly say that I have stopped lying. Although I do accidently say a few things once in a while but the problem is getting better – honest.
But the main problem now is… what is the point? No one believes me anymore, I've been consider as someone who's mouth is full of lies and that hurts me so much. When I tell the truth and they don't believe me, I either cry on my own or I force myself to feel like I don't care. I only just realize.. do I hate myself now? After all these years of being honest and taking insults, do I still hate myself? Because I don't feel like I hate myself. I love myself now because I know that I am honest and I worked hard on it. Of course, I should not let peoples words get to me because I know myself better than anyone in the world. I know that I have worked hard and I know that I am a million times better than my past. I should be happy 😀
To the people who are still thinking of me as a liar, you are my past. :]