Today was a horrible dayat the hands of my abuser and user, but I finally told her how it needs to be. I've have learned from being used by my x and my so called friends, and I most certainly don't intend to be used by her, again. Although it will happen to some degree, but if she doesn't treat me with the respect I've earned, I will leave ,and I'll be out on the street or dead but I WILL NOT be used and hurt like this much longer by people that claim to be my mom, spouse,friend, whatever, I'm getting to a point where I'm going to eventually snap apart, thier not worth all of this, hurt, tears, being ripped apart, feeling like I don't matter, my self worth is nothing anymore, i keep believing that I must have done something really horrible, even God seems to be gone most of the time, That I saved his life , he left, I helped them when their daughter died, they stoled my belongings, blah,blah,blah, ( profile tells a brief summary of them) now i'm living in this hell hole which I've struggled to stay out of most of my life, with know way out, can't even go for a fu-king drive, no job, no escape, right back to the only way out is a body bag, lol.
I'm trying to maintain but my goodness why does it need to be so hard, why can't people treat me like I matter, like I'm a person, fu-k her goes the tears again, will thet be happier if I kill myself? Is that what they all fu-king want?
There's nothing left for me, no job, no love, no happiness, no anything, just taking care of people who treat and make me wish I were dead. I really don't know how I keep going, I feel like this hole surviving thing is some cruel joke, maybe the world ended and I'm stuck here in fu-king hell.
I'm not only tired of the daily struggles, but I'm sick of me, sick of telling the same old story, sick of feeling like lesser of me, because of them,I'm starting to fu-king hate myself. I don't have any hopes or dreams left. I absolutey have no reason to get up in the morning, not for me anyway, except morning here in hell,lol, means afternoon, my day consist of walking around on eggshells while my mom sleeps til i wake her up for dinner in which I've become responsible for preparing, then who knows what, nothing to do after that, I can hardly fu-king wait, oh yeah I really want to wake up tomorrow, lol, lol, lol.Yep that's right it's offical i'm ungrateful, feeling sorry for myself, It's not that I have any problems, I just want to be miserable, to feel like shit, not to have a job, take care of everyone , be hurt, yep that's been my goal all along….wow I;m a totaly fu-king sucess!!!