I'm not sure what to write. All I know is that I'm beginning to numb my emotions, blocking out everything. Why do I cry for people? I don't understand it. I feel sad all the time, and nothing, no amount of playing can break the dark cloud because there is so much grief in my heart. I can't even put on a smile and feel the full effects of it. I still am able to work around the house, and small things like babysitting my nephew because that is all I know how to do. I was always trying to be tough, but I failed. My heart is weak and I can feel the pain draining me of everything. I can't say that I would go back in time and change my past. I can't even wish it. I can't change myself. I can't change me, the loser that I am. I'm haunted by all of my failures. I'm haunted by a lot of things. I should hate this world. I should hate everyone in it but I can't. I contradict myself when say anything. I wanted a life full of happiness. I did. I even wanted to be a mother somewhere down the road, but I know I will never get there. I could fight all day long but nothing will change. There is so much I want to say. I want to cry. I don't want to be afraid. I want to help people, not fail them. I don't want to be mad at myself anymore. I don't want to deal with this pain anymore! I just wish it would all go away! Please! I can't take it… I want the nightmares to stop. I want it all to end. This bleak darkness is suffocating. I'm afraid. Okay. I said it. I'm afraid. Now please just stop.