I'm not sure what to write. All I know is that I'm beginning to numb my emotions, blocking out everything. Why do I cry for people? I don't understand it. I feel sad all the time, and nothing, no amount of playing can break the dark cloud because there is so much grief in my heart. I can't even put on a smile and feel the full effects of it. I still am able to work around the house, and small things like babysitting my nephew because that is all I know how to do. I was always trying to be tough, but I failed. My heart is weak and I can feel the pain draining me of everything. I can't say that I would go back in time and change my past. I can't even wish it. I can't change myself. I can't change me, the loser that I am. I'm haunted by all of my failures. I'm haunted by a lot of things. I should hate this world. I should hate everyone in it but I can't. I contradict myself when say anything. I wanted a life full of happiness. I did. I even wanted to be a mother somewhere down the road, but I know I will never get there. I could fight all day long but nothing will change. There is so much I want to say. I want to cry. I don't want to be afraid. I want to help people, not fail them. I don't want to be mad at myself anymore. I don't want to deal with this pain anymore! I just wish it would all go away! Please! I can't take it… I want the nightmares to stop. I want it all to end. This bleak darkness is suffocating. I'm afraid. Okay. I said it. I'm afraid. Now please just stop.

1 Comment
  1. tjd 12 years ago

    I'm sure it sounds cliche, but just remember that all those painful memories that haunt you could be viewed upon as lessons. You're not a loser, you still have at least one person who depends on you for guidance and wisdom, and I'm sure there's more. Use the things in your past to teach others. even though you are correct about changing your past, you can change yourself. It's okay to cry and ok to be afraid as well.  I'm really bad at being inspirational so i hope this helped at least a little and didn't offend.


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