Well this weekend was fucked up as most holidays are when I'm in Detroit. It all started of friday when I went to do my part time gig. I clean a bar for some extra cash. it is a friends bar and i has told all bartenders if they sell me a drink they are fired on the spot…… He know's and sees what I am trying to do with my life. i usually clean it before it opens. Which has worked real good so far.
However with it being the holiday weekend and having had been sworn to show at the family funtion i had to clean the bar after closing on Fri night. Seeing all them ppl having what appeared to be a good time stroked my thoughts for a few. Then as I did what was doing the end results of my using appeared out of no where. and I brushed it off, OR so I thought. I was asked to be up there incase of the need of extra security on saturday night. I showed up a lil early and overstayed my welcome. having to leave my family get togeather, It was the first bom-fire I have been to since before i got my first white keytag. And staying too long at the bar really started to fuck with me. so I tried to do what I was tought when I first came into the program. I called someone to talk to because the thoughts were dancing to long for my comfort . And did that ever turn out fucked up.
I called a friend inrecovery and yeah I found out I need to get a more solid network than what I have. It turned out that I allowed my lil head do the thinking and yeah ……….I found out that she was using the hard way when she tried to use when in my car. I am guilty of alowing it to play out to the end. I took her to where she had to go and then got my ass home to bed, Clean ONLY by the grace of God. with my homegroup meeting on sundays I kept myself busy till it was time for HG to meet.
( I am implimenting this new idea in my program where I show up Long before the rest do. I do a weekly spot inventory and get my We time with my Higher power. It is where I aloow myself to forgive u them and I for the weeks travels. I also try and set a goal for the week to come. like this week I want til start looking into some school possabilities, And I through out the blessings and bitches for what the week that has passed out there to him)
I got my second service postion and was able to share honestly with my fellow homegroup members, and was able to see what I put myself through this weekend. and since I have a hard time journaling on a reg basis I needed to tell on myself a bit more.
So in short, I got a wake up call an a relapse knocking on the door and I need to and am taking measure to hopefuly prevent that from happening. I have found out the hard way I am FOREVER ONLY ONE bad decision from returning to the pits of active use…… And I am also working on improving my network so when little speedbumps on lifes highway suddenly apear they dont send me tumbeling end over end……………..
Brought to u via a tenth step table topic,