Life has been rough lately.
I am in graduate school, have been working on a COVID unit, and recently got married and gained two step kids in the process.
The stress of work and school and life changes has been hard. Seeing people die daily has been hard. Focusing on school has been hard. My husband’s reaction to fighting is to leave, and that triggers a huge response within me. This is likely related to my parents divorcing when I was young and underlying abandonment issues.
A few weeks ago, I had intense suicidal ideation. It passed, and I went to sleep. My husband was worried and contacted my mom, who contacted the police. They showed up to my house and took me to the hospital. I was locked in a psych room for two days waiting for an evaluation.
Upon discharge, I found out my husband had canceled his vasectomy reversal surgery. This was triggering for me as well because I have been wanting to start a family for years, even before we were together.
We had my parents, siblings, my in laws staying in our house when I got home from the hospital, each with their own opinion of what we should do.
It has been hard on my husband, and myself. We are both now in individual and couples counseling and working toward being healthier apart and together. I am taking time off of work. We are reading books together and are both committed to improving.
He rescheduled his vasectomy reversal for December, but also states he may not go. This is so difficult for me to hear and accept because I feel powerless. All I have wanted for years is a family, and I’m trying so hard to make it work. I want a partner who wants one with me, too.
His friends and family have shown so much support for him, visiting, calling, etc during this hard time. It feels like his feelings are being listened to and accepted, and mine aren’t. I can’t bring up the surgery without it starting a fight. I feel stuck. I can’t have hope that he will go, I can’t talk about it, I can’t have anyone care for me and my feelings. Its like my feelings don’t matter.
I haven’t been perfect, and haven’t been the perfect wife, but I’m genuinely trying to get better.
I just went through a traumatic event, and it feels like no one cares to listen to my feelings. I don’t know. Its a claustrophobic and lonely feeling.