Often I dream of living as a hermit. Voluntary resignation from all aspects of social interacton AND achieving complete emotional self-sufficiency. (as for material one, it will prove too difficult…
Often I cannot help but picture myself living in the corner of the street. It\'s frightening… every year it\'s becoming more apparent. Financial and mental instability guide many people to that end it seems.
So I have a strange view when it comes to homeless people. Those with dignity, I even admire. Sometimes I see in them some sort of defiance..against common values of family and society…all of which product of mere convenience…
Sometimes I\'m stirred by the thoughts of nomadic life, winds of shifting lands singing into my ears the sweet melody of raw freedom. But in truth, I\'m aware life is hard and brutish in such a condition, and I have to come to terms with convenience of modern society.
Once-close people message me sometimes but I\'m afraid to open and rea the email, and end up ignoring them. My parents sent me a msg on my birthday then I finaly managed to actually read it… I made an excuse saying there is no good news that\'s why I didn\'t contact… so wait until there is one(when?) lol I miss old freiends, but how am I supposed to face them, when I\'m the total failure? So I\'m planning to get back to them when I fixed my problems. But I lost too many already.
So many negative feelings creating a downward spiral.
I pre-judge myself, I assume they clearly see who I really am(or whom I judge myself to be), embarassed, hiding, afraid of their judgement or reactionary evaluation, so I ignore them, feel guilty… and yea, today I was going to finally stop my procrastination and come out from hiding and reestablish connection but apparently I\'m going to bed now and failed:(
but economy is going down and I\'m worried what\'s going to happen in next few years of my life. .
I think you are being too hard on yourself. If your friends are true friends, they will love you no matter what, even if you perceive yourself to be a \”failure\”, which you are not of course because you are still fighting this and while we are still struggling there is always hope. Don\'t give up and resign yourself to a miserable existence. Make the effort to make connections and interact, I know it\'s hard but I think you might genuinely feel better after you have communed with some friends. Hang in there and keep up the good fight 🙂
James – we are in the same boat. hiding from our friends and hiding from old contacts – so many people that I do not talk with any more because I am afraid that I do not know how to act in front of them any more. Agoraphobia is settin in for me. It is terrible this time of year because I miss everything and wish I was able to bring back those friends and spending time with them like I did last year. UGH – this is a tough thing to deal with. I wish it was not so difficult.
I hope that things get better for you. Hold on to the few friends that you still have – it is hard to tell them the truth but sometimes it is a good thing to share with those that have a tendency to understand and not judge. Most good friends will not dudge. Others may but its worth the chance.
Well stay in touch – maybe we can offer each other some advise.
Tim