This is my first post, not entirely sure where to start. Ive been dealing with anxiety mixed with bouts of depression for the past 12 years. Only recently I\’ve come to realize how much it affects me, my life and my relationships. I\’ve come far from where I used to be, I can leave the house without experiencing crippling panic attacks, I\’ve been able to actually keep a job where I have to interact with people all day long. I still have times where I need to go to the bathroom and catch my breath,  get my bearings and tell myself \”im fine\”. The one thing I can\’t seem to successfully handle are relationships. I spent 3 years in an abusive relationship which further escalated my personal issues. Soon after I was lucky enough to meet amazing man who stuck by me. Now the problem is its been 3 years of an on and off roller-coaster relationship. And it stems from my anxiety that causes nonstop worry,  and a feeling of always waiting. Waiting for something bad to happen,  go wrong, pining over the future, to the point where I demolish anything that has potential of ending well. I stress and I just can\’t seem to ever calm down. I need to help myself before I can bring anything substantial to a relationship with others,  problem is I don\’t know how to start, or how to get there. I have a protective wall and barrier around me I can\’t seem to bring down. I want to live in the PRESENT, just be able to focus on what is- right now. But my mind just can never seem to get out of the cycle of worrying and wondering , what’s next? And causing all my present moments to go out the window,  because I’m there, but I’m not actually THERE. I never can focus long enough to let something good unfold .  I don’t know if there’s anyone out there that has , or does experience this,  but I’m hoping at least one person can relate to this and know their not alone in this crazy crazy merry go round.

  1. bridgie101 4 years ago

    you’re not alone, and I totally relate. the problem is that the only way I know that makes you learn this is to have them leave.

    And then you get an absolute avalanche descend upon you of realisations, and discoveries, and grief, and distress and it’s so utterly huge you cannot do anything but endure it, and it breaks you. And makes you up again into someone who knows, fundamentally and as a survival issue, that these worries aren’t even REAL.

    They’re just made up.

    When we make up stories we run the risk of believing them. That’s where we go wrong. We have anxiety, which sends out charges to our bodies. Our brains grab that story we made up yesterday and throw a huge dose of terror at it.

    Now we think this idea has this terror naturally attached to it.

    That’s where we go wrong.

    I’d say go get medication for the anxiety, make it go away. While you have no anxiety, ask yourself what bothers you. Diarise how often you panic about him leaving you. you can start to identify how much of your obsessing is just… chemical.


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  2. Author
    kkoala-93 4 years ago

    Thank you for your input, it feels good to have someone relate. I’m actually on medication, which does help to an extent. And your absolutely right that I don’t realize how untrue the thoughts are in my head until he’s gone. However when (if) he returns I fall back into the worry , and just can’t seem to shake it.

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  3. bridgie101 4 years ago

    That’s OCD. An OCD fixation. It’s good it’s only about him leaving you. There are people who get it about suicide and spend all day convinced they want to kill themselves.

    See what medication you can get. Everyone deserves a quiet mind. 🙂

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