So, Last night was better then the night before. Karla was much better nurse then that other lady was…I can't even remember that other nurse's name…I've blocked it out.

Though, Last night I had this really…Intense dream…and It sent me into a mini-panic attack. I'm used to having unpleasant dreams, Whenever I AM able to sleep…But this dream was particularly bad.

But, I honestly just don't feel like talking about it…So, Today I had an Endoscopy and colonoscopy done again, And the results might take longer to get in, Since those people aren't there on the weekend, So I'll probably get results Monday…

Which only means I won't be able to get out of this hellhole this weekend either…Ugh

One thing today though, Is the art teacher at my mom's school (I also used to go to that elementary, So he's also my old art teacher) Mr.Diaz sent me a present, He sent me a Strathmore Sketch book, and carrying case that has 12-different shading pencils, sharpener, eraser, and a artist pad.

So, I'll be able to put my drawings into this now, Instead of stray pieces of paper. I'm also trying finish a One-shot that someone requested, But I'm having major writers block…

…Writers block is annoying….ugh damn it. Well, I guess I'll keep thinking of ideas until my writers block passes.

Not sure if I'm going to draw tonight though, The pain is being a bitch and so it's hard to concentrate, Though i'm always doubting myself with my writing and drawing, Because in the past some people would be positive about it, but others were like

"Why do you write such depressing, dark stories?" or "Can't you draw a smile on the character's face?" So it makes me not want to trust anyone to show them. But anyway, I also was struggling again with my ED's (despite the fact there's basically nothing in my stomach at this point,) and also just with my depression and anixety and wanting to self-harm again cus of it…

Everything is hitting at once, With those issues, the medical shit, and I'm still beating myself over the Ali situation, I still want to make the friendship work somehow…But I know if I reach out to her…It'll probably only end up in my face..

I don't even know at this point, I can't even begin to sort out my thoughts, it's all tangled together and so much easier to think it out in my head, But when I try to express those thoughts or feelings, I can't get it to come out right.

Mom also wants me to talk to the Chaplin, or hospital's therapist to talk about how i'm feeling when it comes to being in the hospital for so long, and my medical problems…

HA…It almost makes me laugh how she, and everyone else is so oblivious to my others problems…They fail to see my ED disorders, my self-harm, my depression and anxiety…

Yet they can be on game when it comes to my diabetes, or Acid reflex, and now my crohn's disease.. It's not that I want them to know anyway, But these people are suppose to be family right? Aren't they supposed to notice shit like this?

They might be related to me by blood…But to me they're strangers, and the gap keeps growing each and every day.

Just..I don't even know what to say right now, Because I know i'll probably fuck up in trying to express what i'm thinking, and cause a misunderstanding…

So…I'm going to stop typing now and just listen to music…Or something like that…and I guess I'll update later…I guess. All of this is just giving me a major headache,

Can't I do SOMETHING normal for once?


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