I'm back, after nearly 3 years. I didn't realise until I tried to log in that the last time I was here was when I was pregnant too. I nearly had an abortion, and almost wish I had because I am not coping and feel like a bad mum. For some reason, my depression is 10x worse in pregnancy. I feel half zombie, and everyday things feel mountainous. I have an almost 8 yr old and a 2 year old. Her dad was emotionally abusive and nver loved me; his dad was a great actor but never loved me either and admitted that he had used me for room and sex once I found out all the crap he was up to. I got involved too quickly with both, though the first pregnancy was unplanned.

This time I have taken things very very slowly, and yet through a mix up with the pill I am pregnant. He unlike the other two has been so loving and supportive, even with my depression, which I have never had before. Paranoia made me check his phone once cause I was convinced (and I am good at spotting deletions and recovering them), but nothing. He's as good as his word. It isn't him causing any problem.

I just want to sleep or cry. I guess luckily, though it is so hard everyday to do this, I don't have the choice of those options. I have two kids who mean everything to me. I fight harder and longer against this for them alone. But I feel i role play, and once they are in bed just want to emotionally collapse. I am at the point now where I cant cry – I've blocked it so much.

I am utterly miserable. Any advice welcome xxx hugs to you all, and sorry for being such a bummer xxx

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