Ok, so I noticed I had not gotten online since April. But that does not mean that I am not depressed. Although I can report that I have no cut myself since then I have to admit I have thought about it many times. I have my pocket knife (dont know if I reported that I got it back after all) and I swear there are days where I want to slice myself open. I do burn myself with the flatiron until I can't take the pain anymore, so there are burn marks that are masked as "innocent" on my hands. The last time I had seriously thought about cutting myself was today. Today of all days, why not last week? Why not a month ago? Well, because today I found out my dad is cheating my mom again. So for the third time in my life, my dad has let me down. Not to mention the two girls I thought were my best friends betrayed me last weekend. Although I prefer not to go in detail I can say that I fully do not trust anyone at all anymore. I lost all trust in humanity when it neglected to tell me the truth. I find myself becoming a very blunt, cold-hearted person. And so I sit here and write while I sip a homemade tequila sunrise. The only thing I can turn to now is smoking (in which I have only one cigarette left) and drinking. There is nothing else for me to do. I would turn to drugs (I recently tried marijuana and quite enjoyed it) but I have no sources. But due to legality issues perhaps it is better that I refrain from usage. I don't know what to do anymore. I am seriously in a deeply depressed state.
Let me give you a recap of everything that is wrong with my life and we'll see how each and every one of the readers would react in the same situation. Just please dont hold me accountable for any negative actions in response to this. If it were possible, I would slit my neck open and hang myself up to dry. What is there to live for?
Ok, so let's start with the family life. Well, my mom constantly criticizes the way I look and although I got a hair cut I very much like she still says I look like a fat slob, which although I am not a stick, I am not considered fat either. So there's emotionak restraints regarding the madre. My dad is cheating on my mom for the 3rd time in my life and always tells me I am never going to make anything of myself. Wow, sooo much parental support. (note the sarcasm)
Friends. Ah, I don't have any real ones. The two people in this world I thought I could trust turned their backs on me last weekend. they have, in fact, betrayed me. Telling lies to males I truly cared about and turning everyone else against me. The other friends are only my friends because they have nothing else to do. I am a joke to friends of mine because of the way I look. They think I am easy, sleazy and don't have a brain. How's this for a stretch: I turned down sexual advancements from a major league baseball player. If I was in it for the title, bitch, then I would have slept with him but I couldn't find it in my heart and dignity to. Which leaves me in the third sector of my depression.
Relationships: How I lack in this department. Ok, so I mentioned above that I could not sleep with said person because of an emotional block. Well, I think I am in love with someone I do not know closely, but I do know. I find myself constantly thinking about him the number of his jersey (#17) always pops up. I was driving around town and when I looked up, the numbers to the highway added up to 17. Everywhere I go, there is either the number 17 or numbers that add up to it. It becomes very frustrating because it especially happens when I try not to think about him and his name pops up, or his numner or his hometown. I get pretty pissed because I can not live a minute of my life without thinking of him and I don't know why. If he had felt the same for me he would have talked to me by now or tried to talk to me online. Yeah, he looks when he comes in and out of the dugout, he does nod and smile but it doesn't mean a thing if it doesn't result in anything else. And that makes me sad all day. The fact that I care so deeply about someone and it's not even because of "who" he is in terms of career or the fact that he is really gorgeous. I see the guy who loves playing baseball and football, the guy who is funny the guy who is a great friend. I see someone who is an actual person and no one seems to see this. I really wish I could pour my heart out to this person but there is nothing for me to do if he doesn't give me the chance. Hence, I should just give up altogether. I don't want to knock on a hostile door and I know he is white, wealthy and gorgeous and I often wonder what he would want in a lower-middle class mexican chick because he likes Joanna Houghes from Dancing with the Stars and she is soo platinum blonde I want to cry myself to sleep every night because I am not his type. This person is so amazing in so many ways that people neglect to realize and I think he even forgets himself, but I want to show him that and can't. It eats me up inside.
Then there is school. I am on the verge of being forcefully withdrawn because I was unhappy with my major and now that I changed it from Nursing to Nutrition and finally found myself on track no one will hear me out. THere is nothing for me to do but admit failure and I am not one who takes rejection with a grain of salt. I refuse to admit that I failed and that would only mean that my parents were right in saying that I would never make something of myself.
Which makes me sad because I have discovered that I really want to open up my own cafe called KG's Coffeehouse that two friends and I are seriously considering opening up but due to the amount of time it would take to put into I know my parents would strongly disapprove so because of this I don't do it although I know it's eomthing that would make me truly happy. I would seriously be very happy and sane managing my own coffeehouse and writing novels but I can't do that if it would piss of my family which kills me because why would I care what they think as long as I was happy but I am not that type of person. I am the type of person that is a pleaser and puts other peoples' needs in front of her own. Like with my ex, who broke up with me in April.
I heard from him today. He called from his training with the army in Washington and it did not effect how my day went, but just thinking about all of the time I put into our relatipnship an all of the emotions and love I put towards him only for him to shoot me down and make me feel so low. There is nothing more for me to sat other than I am a joke. To him, i was nothing more than a piece of ass who had love attached to her vagina. And he accepted it although he didn't feel the same way but his family took me in as one of their own and they are so awesome I really love them and I really loved him thinking he was truly the one and I am so messed up emotionally righ tnow. I don't cry, I don't feel anything and that numbness scares me. All I feel is pain and how it progresses but I feel no happiness or love. When I see this person that I truly care about and mentioned earlier I feel a small tug on my heartstrings and I know that he is what I need to get me to open up to the world again but I know there is no way that he would ever feel the same way back again because I am not blonde, skinny and rich. That's what kills me most other than the fact that I can't open up my own coffeehouse because of my parents. The two things I want most in this world I can't have, and that makes me hopeless, helpless, and faithless. The other day I really thought about how everything has affected me and I realized that I do not believe in God anymore. I believe that he exists but not for me. He is there, but he is not active in my life because of all that has happened. So I have nothing to look forward to in life and that makes me extremely hopeless. I don't know if it's normal, but I often find myself imagining that I was in a horrible accident and died because I know I have no guts to do it myself. I lost faith in God, but not that much faith to neglect believing in hell. So maybe I'm not a total loss, but I am slowly becoming a lost soul who may never be reovered. Fuck true love, fuck true friends and fuck family. I have nothing in this life to look forward to other than my own self destruction and I truly mean that. That isn't the tequila talking. Tha is me from the bottom of my broken, shattered, trampled on, demolished heart. I don't even have a heart, I am a cold heartd bitch now. I dont care what other people feel because no one cares about me. What more can I say?