Every so often, when the empty darkness fills me, creates that black hole pit in my soul, I find it so hard to see the point anymore.
We work so hard just to live, got to make the money to pay for a place to live and a car to drive that takes you to work, away from the home you're working so hard for. I just don't see it sometimes.
Maybe I have passed it all, just maybe I missed all my opportunities to cultivate something that makes this life worth living. Yeah, I know, I have my family and my loved ones…even have an amazing fiance who (for whatever unknown reason) loves me. But for someone who deeply feels like a burden most of the time, it is so hard to remember that.
I just can't help but feel like I consistently missed my marks when attempting to accomplish standard life goals. I haven't developed any hobbies that bring me joy or comfort, I don't have any kids, I haven't been able to consistentlymaintain close bonds with friends and family, I never pursued any further schooling and my career is something I more or less 'fell into'. I was married before, even bought my first house. Two months later he left me, and I had to sell the house for a loss.During my darkest times, my dog of over a decade was what kept me going, I think it was because he needed me…now he is gone.
When those rolling clouds overtake me and I feel as though everyone would be better off without me, there isn't anything to keep me here…that I strive for, that brings me true joy (without also making me feel horrible or selfish). I live to work and pay my bills, so that I may keep working to pay the bills. Somedays I just don't see the point of it all, and I fear it is too late to create one.
After so much built up anticipation and disappointment, so it so very hard to stay motivated. I am just so very tired.