Every so often, when the empty darkness fills me, creates that black hole pit in my soul, I find it so hard to see the point anymore.

We work so hard just to live, got to make the money to pay for a place to live and a car to drive that takes you to work, away from the home you're working so hard for. I just don't see it sometimes.

Maybe I have passed it all, just maybe I missed all my opportunities to cultivate something that makes this life worth living. Yeah, I know, I have my family and my loved ones…even have an amazing fiance who (for whatever unknown reason) loves me. But for someone who deeply feels like a burden most of the time, it is so hard to remember that.

I just can't help but feel like I consistently missed my marks when attempting to accomplish standard life goals. I haven't developed any hobbies that bring me joy or comfort, I don't have any kids, I haven't been able to consistentlymaintain close bonds with friends and family, I never pursued any further schooling and my career is something I more or less 'fell into'. I was married before, even bought my first house. Two months later he left me, and I had to sell the house for a loss.During my darkest times, my dog of over a decade was what kept me going, I think it was because he needed me…now he is gone.

When those rolling clouds overtake me and I feel as though everyone would be better off without me, there isn't anything to keep me here…that I strive for, that brings me true joy (without also making me feel horrible or selfish). I live to work and pay my bills, so that I may keep working to pay the bills. Somedays I just don't see the point of it all, and I fear it is too late to create one.

After so much built up anticipation and disappointment, so it so very hard to stay motivated. I am just so very tired.

3 Comments
  1. onelyric 6 years ago

    Tired…my key word I seem to use all the time. I so understand. And I wish I could make it better , but I also know that what you say just seems to take control. Please know that someone who may not know your personnally does care and wishes for you to still grace this place. I care….even though I can relate to all your words. I care!!!!

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  2. StormySeas 6 years ago

    Thank you both for such kind words, I will try to heed them. It's like having a crumpled up piece of paper in the pit of you, trying to unravel it. Resisting the urge to follow suit.

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  3. naivaklam 6 years ago

    We have all felt absorbed into this exact black hole more than once. 

    What cheers me up for some unknown reason are little pieces of humanity. 

    I go on the "Humans of New York" Facebook page and read until I have stabilised myself. It may seem silly, but it is what works for me. 

    Meditation also works. Whenever you can, it just takes 5 min of your time, especially if you're a beginning. Lean back in your chair and close your eyes… envelop yourself with beauty and tranquility. The repetitive practise of meditation also allows you to quickly eliminate thoughts of any kind by either clearing them entirely or replacing them with pleasant ones to even out your mood. I strongly recommend it. It has helped me immensely with the control of my mind.

    It is never late to start anything. It is never late. It is only late when you're at your death bed and you have spend your life wishing but not planning and acting. 

    Please, check out the page I recommended. I am sure you will enjoy it. 

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