Every September, as the 29th approaches,I think about that horrible year I had 18 years ago. There was a point when I had given up and it was a bitch to struggle climbing from the bottom of the barrel.
Sad to say, I wasted years of my life having resentment towards my ex…and I'll admit, many of those years I secretly hoped he would come looking for me and apologize for giving me HIV. Unfortunately, that never happened and those were more years wasted.
I turned to alcohol and turned to one night stands for some kind of comfort. At the time, a strangers kiss was enough to satisfy my yearning for any human contact but that's where it would end. The thought of opening my heart again was something I told myself I would NEVER do, I would never have myself be so vulnerable as I did in my first relationship ever again. In 18 years, I have only had two other relationships but they both lasted less than 8 months. And both men told me I would push them away. I wouldn't allow them to get close to me emotionally. I wouldn't completely give myself to them. So I walked away.
It's taken me a very long time to get to where I am now. I'm beginning to love myself…slowly but surely. I'm beginning to have some inner peace and I feel it's all because I'm finally letting go of all the hurt and resentment I held on for so long. I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. And it's time I stopped hurting myself. It's time I begin appreciating myself.
I'm going to be honest, I'm not completely opening my heart yet but I feel there is a shimmer of hope now. I feel more at peace than I have in years. I let go of all the negative things and people who were a bad influence on me ~ including alcohol and some people who I thought were "friends". For years I drank every weekend. I've cut down on the drinking quite a bit. I'll have a beer maybe once every three to four months. Nothing like before. And as far as people go? Well, I no longer have friends to go out with or catch a movie with. All the "friends" I had were always interested in getting drunk and I don't need that in my life anymore.
I have come to appreciate the simple things in life. I love going out places with my mom. She no longer drinks and she, to, doesn't have friends to go out with so the way I see it ~ we help each other out by keep each other company. We go out to eat, go to the stores, walk through a Farmers Market, go on vacations together. We experience life together. Sure I get lonely sometimes but the difference now is that I no longer dwell on the loneliness….I'm living my life. I have lived in darkness for so long, I can now see the light at the end of the long tunnel, I never thought I'd be able to see through the darkness much less see the light but I have hope in myself….and it gives me great pleasure to say I feel….peaceful.