My first blog, I shared how I truly felt. I sometimes need to do that. I'm not one who says how I really feel so I hold my feelings inside and when I'm alone, I let it out. Either by shedding a tear or by writing. Yep, writing….but my hand would cramp – not a good feeling – so I searched for someplace I could type instead. Hmmm, cramping or carpel tunnel – I'll worry about that when it comes. I tested positive back in 1993, when I was the ripe age of 23. I was in my first relationship. He was my first love. He was my first lover. Testing positive while in the relationship shattered my heart,my trustand I've never been the same since. To this day I continue to have a problem trusting people. I don't let people get close to me – I'm afraid to. Funny, here I am complaining I have no one to talk to yetI don't let anyone get close to me! GEEZ, talk about a walking contradiction! But the horrible phase I went through….it was too much for me to bare…bear…bare? I told myself I would NEVER go through anything like that ever again. Sadly, for the past 17 years, I've lived up to my words. I've been trying to change….I really have but I've realized whenever anyone says or does something to make me back off, I do. I close up like a clam and push them away. I saw 'The Secret' last year and it had an effect on me. Probably because I was at a point where I wanted to change.I'm takingvery slow steps but they're steps otherwise. I've always heard one needs to be happy with himself/herself in order to find happiness. Of course, that saying probably came from some insanely happy person. I ask myself, am I happy? The answer is no but maybe someday I'll actually get to experience happiness instead of just acting happy.

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