Last week was rough at work as the stress was higher than ever. I took one and a half Xanax in the mornings and nights, which seem to help. Normally I take one in the mornings and one at night. I can see now that it does cause me to be a bit unsteady on my feet (I already have problems due to the residuals of polio), feeling drowsy and actually kind of "high" even though I am on the lowest dosage possible. After a few hours I find my cognitive skills will sharpen a bit and my memories, as far as following multistep instructions, will improve slightly. I have little to no problem talking to anyone! I feel comfortable with others and myself.
I did have an appointment with my neurologist on Thursday and he wasn't himself. After I explained my emotional decline these past few months along with my attempt of suicide back in April he became down right "nasty" in his attitude. It actually got to the point we were both becoming angry with one another and I finally said, "Forgive me if I seem rude but I don't agree with you, I don't feel you know anything about polio and the residuals and maybe you aren't the right doctor for me." He mumbled, "I agree that maybe I shouldn't be your doctor." I once again apologized to him if I offended him in any way and admitted, "Not only have I seen a decrease in my physical health but also in my mental health." He did not yell but did come close to it when he said, "YOU do not have polio! Your symptoms are NOT caused from polio and there is NO TREATMENT for you." As he began to leave the office he turned around and stated, "You need to keep seeing a Psychiatrist." and then when I was leaving and thanked his assistant, the doctor spoke up and said as I walked away, "James if you need me don't hesitate to make an appointment." As I walked out to my car the depression hung over me like a dark cloud.
Yesterday at work problems began to pile on me faster than I could resolve them. I felt pressure on my chest, I wanted to yell, cry, run but instead I told a co-worker, "I have to leave, I'm sorry. I will return just as soon as I can." Not only was the anxiety slamming into me full force but I could feel the depression right on the edge but somehow was being held back. I got home in minutes and took a Xanax .05 and within 15 minutes I began to calm and got through the rest of the day……..I actually managed to resolve most of the problems!
I slept well and when I got up this morning I showered, shaved and headed out to the jetties (beach/river) sat on the seawall, enjoyed the breeze blowing on my face, wearing my favorite cap and even talking to a few of my family members on my cell phone…….they are my life line as is my brother in law who is in the hospital dying from COPD. He is like a brother and his support has been up lifting to my mental health these past few weeks. I just wish there was some way to take away his suffering.
I got home and cranked my John Deere lawn mower ( JD is the love of my life…..lol) still wearing my favorite cap and just enjoying the sun, the breeze and being alive. Here it is 4:30 PM on the East Coast USA and………I'm good….I really am. I took my Xanax .05 along with half of another tab…..humm, my math is bad but I think that would be .075 mg? I'm hoping my doctor will be ok with that as I know how addictive Xanax can be. Other than yesterday I am keeping with in the 3 per day as needed by the doctor’s instructions. I have to admit I have to take either two or three at the most consistently every day. I won't be seeing my doctor for another three weeks so I'm hoping this is going to be ok. As one therapist said to me once, “The JR at the end of your name stands for Junior, it is not MD.” Lol….I will never forget that as I can become a bit of a “Mr. Thinks He knows It All”, at times.
I have a Juror's Summons for next Thursday. I'm a little nervous about it but not like I used to be (heck I seem to get called every year now for the past 10 years). I'm going to keep my cool and if I'm interviewed, I'll answer just as honestly as I always have. To be honest, I DON'T like to be a juror. I’ve been one once and we made a decision based on the evidence given. As I walked out (this was before my major depression and anxiety surfaced) I was depressed and kept thinking, "Did I do the right thing, did I make the right decision?" Another juror asked me the same thing and…….I still agree with my answer to this day….."We made the best decision we could."
Y'all continue to enjoy your Saturday. I think I will go back to the jetties this afternoon and once again remind myself just how good life really is 🙂
-James aka Bubba-