Every since D. told me to get a job, it triggered all there pissy feelings, of course. I've been wishing I did have a good job andI could be happy, its fall and I still am in the dungeon, struggling to understand, dreaming of a life, having things, missing things, wondering what it would be like to go to the mall and get some makeup, clothes, perfume, furniture, to be working and have a sence of fullfillment and achievement. TodayI spent time looking at old photo's of a time long ago when I was happy, had a home, car, love, good friends, family….so long ago….nowI have nothing, no home of my own, no car, no job, a very limited amount of friends, no sence of self, no one to help me become independant again, to help me achieve my hopes, my dreams. I am confussed about D. he claims to love me, and be my boyfriend, but when I swollowed my pride and asked for help he said no and has never attempted to help in my request, he has not done the things he said he would do, why say your going to do something if your not, why crush a persons belief in you, just keep your mouth closed, don't lie about what your willing to do to get what you want, it will only backfire in your face eventually.
I honestly cannot endure most of the human race anymore, I was a people person, now I wish I could support myself and stay on my own, not keep getting , well, used, lied to, mostly let down.I could use a little more being finacially secure so I wouldn't need to listen to all of these people whom love me open there mouths and crush me as a person. No wonder I'm so negative. I deal with what happened, with lack of income, unimaginable disbelief in where I still am and why,then I finallly jump off the bridge and let someone into my wrecked world, lol and still nothings changed, unbelievable, just unbelieveable.
I'm at that point again where I just want my own anything! To be left alone. To be my own sucess, my own person, not to need or rely on anyone but the one person I no I can count on…..ME.