Disclaimer: I’m currently okay, no need to worry 🙂

I do not know how I managed to live this long when I have thought about death more times than I count. My first thought of death was when I was about 4-5 years old and I wanted to stab my heart. I do not know what led me to that point where I wanted to end myself at the age where you are still supposed to be pure. I somehow talked myself out of it by scaring myself. I pictured myself dead on the floor laying with my puddle of blood and picturing how my brother would be the first to find me and how horrified he would be. That made me put the knife back.

Though out my elementary years I suffered a lot with self-hatred, low confidence, and low self- esteem. I was happy on the outside but when I was home and alone in my room at night I would have crying sessions from time to time. I had to be quiet though as I shared a room with my mom and I could not let her hear or see me crying. I cried about everything I thought was wrong with me. The crying sessions would sometimes get so bad that glimpses of feeling of wanting to die crossed my mind and that would scare me, therefore making me cry more. I remember one time I wanted to die around fourth grade because I was extremely upset(again I do not know why, I completely forgot it). I remember running to my parents closet and I tried choking myself with my own hands. It did not work since my strength was weaken by my fear of dying. Its weird how I sometimes want death to come to me so badly but I’m scared of the process of dying. I think that is what is also stopping me from fully deciding and committing suicide too. Anyways I stopped and just cried after that. I think there was another time but I absolutely do not remember. I only remember the pain of my younger self struggling to make every day count by herself because she did not know depression was a thing and thought she was extremely ashamed of these thoughts that she had.

In middle school it got slightly worse. Still had thoughts of dying and what not. My self-esteem was also terrible. I was insecure of my body and had body issues. I gained an eating disorder where I would starve myself all day at school but then once I got home I would eat without stopping until night. i was insecure of my face as I have a big nose and had an overbite with extremely crooked teeth. I was called horse teeth and made fun of for looking like a horse a lot. I got a boyfriend but was dumped 2 weeks after so he could be with someone else. I started having breakdowns at school because I was so overwhelmed with how bad my mental health was. I remember I scared my best friend during lunch as I broke down crying and only just saying how I did not want to be there anymore. I feel so bad because we were so young and she did not know what was going on, neither did I. I remember the feeling that I just did not want to exist. I did not want to be in school or in the world.

In high school, I got worse too. Lots of crying sessions that turned into death wishes for myself. I even cut my wrists for the first time to feel physical pain instead of mental. I told my friends about my mental health but one of them did not know what to do. She is not good with intense emotions like that. My other best friend was a little more understanding and she reassured me and was there for me because I decided to only tell her about my self-harming. High school was harsh as my self esteem was still extremely low. My friends would have boyfriends and I would have to third wheel A LOT. My two best friends became closer naturally(trios never work out in my case) I hated being there. I felt unseen by them and by everyone. I know I had so many lovely friends but you just kind of still feel alone. I would cry easily over stuff some times and just felt so pathetic. During the COVID lock down my anxiety was more known to me and I would start getting anxiety attacks and panic attacks. They were extremely scary at the moment. I felt like the world was crashing on me and I could not move. I thought I was on the verge of death.

In the summer of 2021 I got my first girlfriend who turned out to be my first love as well. She made me feel so new. I never thought I could love someone or even feel like someone could love me but she made me feel that way. I was head over heels. We were so open with each other. She would tell me her struggles and I would tell her about mine. I never mentioned my feelings of death in the past as she made me forget them. All I thought about was being alive and in love with her. Our relationship became long distance as she was heading off to the military. We were good and okay for a few months but in November of 2021, she was off emotionally for two weeks until she broke up with me. She told me a bunch of bullshit reasons as to why she was ending our relationship but I knew she was leaving out the main reason. I later found out she gained feelings for another while she was with me. I went into a deep heartbreak. I would cry nightly for hours wishing I was a better person so we would not have broken up. I was reckless as I would drink without caution and then take edibles. It did not go well.

That breakup took me to the lowest point in my life. In the first few months of 2022 all I thought about was the never ending mental and emotional pain. I was completely numb. To try to forget about her I started dating this guy(this was before I realized I was a lesbian). But these dates just consisted of nothing but pointless conversations and sexual interactions. I was emotionally cut off from him. I’m not sure if he wanted a relationship but I did not care for him or his feelings. I then blocked him.

In April and in May, all I could remember from those months was the consistent and daily feelings of dying from morning to night. I even dropped out of a class because I grew careless for it. I could barely care for myself so how could I care for anything else? I tried to remain and be happy and close with my friends since hanging out with them made me feel less dead inside. I did as much as I could with my family so if I died any day from then, they would remember the happy memories. I started growing scared because of these persistent feelings and thoughts. Though it became my daily routine that I unfortunately grew used to, I knew that deep down I wanted to try to live and not give up. All I really wanted was the pain to go away and feel like I was actually living. I did not want my terrible social anxiety anymore. I did not want to die soon. I just wanted to live.

A few weeks later I decided to reach out to a school therapist. I saw her for maybe 2 months and then I stopped as I ended up signing up for insurance to see a therapist outside of school and possibly get prescribed medication.  I did just that. I did not carry on with therapy though because I could not allow myself to verbally say everything I wanted to say. I just could not. I was just glad I got medication to balance out my emotions and make me feel a little bit of life was in me.

I was on my medication for a while, though some of my friends and family did not like it. I believe in science so If medication can help me, i’ll do it. However I ended up not taking them for a while and then taking them again which was not a good idea as I had terrible withdrawal symptoms. I’m still struggling to take them and be committed to them since they’re supposed to help me. It just grew annoying for me because why do I have to take a pill for possibly the rest of my life to feel slightly okay? Why can I just feel alive and happy? It is not fair. I never got a chance from the start, but that is a whole different story to maybe tell later.

Now though i’m not taking my medication I feel okay. I do get nightly depression which makes me cry sometimes, and have a terrible sleeping schedule, and a unhealthy addiction to my phone, BUT what matters is that I believe i’m doing better than before and that is what matters to me the most.

I started this journey here to talk to people who may feel like me. I was referred here by the suicide hotline a while ago but barley decided to join.

These days  I feel lonely and disconnected from everyone. I know I have friends and family and love me but I still feel an immense amount of loneliness. I do not talk to anyone much anymore and kind of keep to myself. I wish I could reach out to someone I know but the thought of doing that scares me. I hate being vulnerable to the people that I know and love. I hate the thought of weighing all my problems on them. I refused to do that to them. I know its an unhealthy thought process but it’s hard to get out of a cycle of isolation of 15 years. It is weird to ask for help against a battle with yourself. However, writing here online where no one knows me in real life makes me feel more capable of sharing my thoughts and feelings. I hope many of you can do the same.

All your stories and experiences deserve to be heard and you deserve to be loved and cared for.

-user @diianaaa3