I feel I am at the end of the bloody line. Just so much stuff and things to think about – the more i think about them to put them in perspective, the more things crop up and it all just gets worse.
I have 6 weeks left before i pop, and my baby is here, for LIFE! I don't even want to be here, esp not for LIFE and I feel like such a crappy mum for thinking that. I know people say all will change when baby is here, but I feel like it just won't, and that's not me being a negative nancy for no reason, it's the way it truely feels.
I hate that while being pregnant the babys dad has told me he is fighting for custody of the baby ect I really wish i hadn't gone through such a stupid time in my life that I ended up sleeping with him, because now I am reminded of it every day and I am going to have to see him for the rest of my life and it hurts. I wish i could just take the baby out and cut her in half and give her to him so he goes away and just leaves me alone.
I have to move house this weekend, i am leaving the city and everyone and thing in it and going to live closer to my family, and i am scared. I'm scared of living alone and i'm scared im going to be a crap parent and get my baby taken away. I'm scared of telling the babys dad when she is born, cause he will just swoop in all full of love, and I know he is entitled to it, but it's going to hurt – it hurts already.
My therapist (CPN) and Psychiatrist don't seem to give a shit or care about how I feel – I stopped talking to them a while back. Never listen anyway.
I'm a shitty person, i just can't seem to be happy and nothing goes right.