I am new to this website. ButI am hopeful it will prove to be a place of support and opportunity to grow.
This being the depression tribe, I am curious as to what everyone's stories are. Why are you here? What are you hoping to find? Where are you in your life?
I hope you will share your stories. I am going to share mine with you.
Twoyears ago, almost to the date, I had a great deal of health problems. Long story short, I was led to believe that I had a brain tumor. I was a Sophomore in High School. Eventually I found out that I did not have a tumor. But I was not able to rejoice. After having recieved such devastating news, and having been out of school for2 weeks, I started to go downhill.
I was absent from school for2 weeks. I attended a very small school with only 150 students. It is not like people didn't realize I was gone. I was a member of the basketball team. I was involved within Student Council and other activities. I had been with these individuals since Preschool. I had always struggled socially, never quite fitting in, never having the same interests. But when I was gone for2 weeks, seriously sick, no one called. No one texted or emailed or anything.
I began to think that if something bad were to happen to me, if I were to die, no one would miss me. Somewhere after that, I fell into depression. I cannot say when it happened or what really led to it. But I had severe depression. My parents wanted to help me, but didn't quite grasp how bad things were. I was left home alone all during that time, unable to get out of bed. I contemplated many horrible things on those lonely days.
When I would think about school, I would feel incredibly sick, realizing not only was I not missed or needed, but that I was falling further and further behind academically.
I came up with excuses, telling myself I would go tomorrow. I was so tired all of the time. I had no interests. I was like a stone- no emotion, no passion, no nothing. After 1 month, I was instructed by a doctor to take medicine and attend therapy.
I pretended to take my medicine. I did not want to feel as if the only way I could be myself or have a good day was because of a pill. I lied to the therapist, pretending I was improving. I convinced her so well that she told my parents I know longer needed therapy. I pretended all of the time. That in turn took any energy that I actually had.
Eventually, after nearly 3 months, I returned to school. No one said a word. A couple of people said they had tried to call. Others said they had meant to but had forgotten. And when I had told my "best friend" the truth, she said to me, "If you died, I would be sad." She never talked to me again.
So here I am, two years later, never having fully come to terms with my depression. I am no longer depressed, but I constantly feel the threat of it. Every anxiety attack, every moment I feel overwhelmed, I am struck with the horror of slipping back into the darkest thing of my life. To this day, I have not coped or confided. Only 10 people may know the truth. I have not forgiven or forgotten. I am much more bitter now than I was then.I don't trust people well. I even believe I have developed OCD (through my attempts to create more structure in hopes it would have eliminated some of my stress and worries.)
I want to be who I once was. I was compassionate. I saw good in everyone. I believe in people. I was forgiving. I was optimistic. I was happy.
Now I am a bitter person who has trust issues. Who is skeptical towards people's kindess. I see more negativity than positive. I am consumed by order, lists, and structure. And I am afraid, afraid that this is only a viscious cycle.
So…what is your story? Perhaps our stories can help eachother….