i’m losing insperation for my blogs. I’m used to having something to say everyday on here and now i find i’m struggling to write anything worth saying. Maybe its just going with my mood. I’m going to make somewhat an effort today.

Since finding out that I didn’t get the job on wednesday, i have been quite low. I don’t have much energy to do anything, and the only thoughts that have been going around are going backwards and forwards from suicide, SI’ing, drinking and running away.. and round again. To be honest it’s quite exhusting. I have drunk a little the last few days, and i’m planning to again today and tomorrow.

I’m going to leave the house tomorrow. I have no real plans except drinking. I have my bottle ready and i’ll leave in the morning and spend most of the day out of the house. Who knows where i’ll end up. I don’t really care. I’ll probably end up in some park somewhere. If i’m lucky i might end up at either the hospital or the police station. Either or i’m not really phased. I guess i’ll just wait and see what happens.

I’m finding myself continually making it look like i’m doing ok. I say i’m ok. I don’t want to worry people. I know it sounds cliche but I do really wish that people could see what was going on inside. Just for one day. Then the "real" me would be open and no longer hiding. That would be nice.

I found out today that a girl that was in the hospital when I was there the first time, is pregnant. I’m shocked. She certianly isn’t capable of having another kid. Her first one is under the custody of her mother due to her mental state. She has schizophrenia, depression, she has had a stroke and has sort term memory loss. I really don’t know how she is going to go. I’m sure that some of the meds she’s on she will have to stop. Sure does make things interesting. It’s the kid that i’m worried about.

Speaking of kids, my only friend’s (outside of DT) baby shower is coming up in a few weeks. I promised that i would bake some cupcakes with pink and purple icing on it. I’m looking forward to that. I love baking and i’m actually pretty good at it which is a surprise. I’m not very good at much at all really.

I spoke to my probation officer about going up to visit my aunt the other day. I do hope that I get approval for that. It would be get out of here and stay with someone that actually "Gets it" outside of DT.

well i’m happy with that effort. I’ll go now.