how come myspace has like 90 "moods" to choose from and depression tribe only has like 10?!  anyways- here are my thoughts for the day.  this is really a blog just for me, not really expecting anyone else to read it. seriously.

the past few days have been encouraging.  i had such a setback in my progress of "getting over" my ex.. i hate that terminology btw..  anyways it was pretty awful for several days, maybe even weeks? but time has gone by quickly and i've noticed remarkable improvement this week. each day is a little brighter. i find myself thinking about him (and her) less and less. THANK GOD!! Now i just hope and pray that i continue to make progress, or at least have no more setbacks.  it's just awful.  i really cannot wait to get back into my house. i feel like my life will be sooo much better then. i kinda know that once i get moved in and settled, life will go back to normal.. the excitement will wear off, so i should enjoy this excitement i'm feeling now. but i tell ya i just CAN NOT WAIT. i go talk to the financial advisor next week, and then i should know how much longer i'll have to wait. it will be so hard to leave mom. i wont be going that far, but living in the same house with her has definitely been a great experience.  getting all choked up just typing this! and i'll be going back to dad's neighborhood. i know mom hates it. i know she does. she wont tell me that, but i know. and i completely understand. i will really hate living across the street from my brother and his drama queen of a wife, she's such an instigator.  something's gotta be going on all the time.  and i really really hate the way she, and in turn, my brother, treat my mom.   and i'll hate living in viewing distance of dad and his fake ass wife. i'll have to put up some kind of privacy fencing and i know thats going to piss everyone off. but, it will officially be MY house and im gonna do what i wanna do. i'm so clueless right now as to how much i will pay for the house, and when.. i'll be so glad when i get done talking to the financial advisor. i just hope he doesnt crush my dreams. i'll be buying a house on ONE income, not two like most married couples.. so i know i cant afford much, but i really hope i can do it. and i have to keep in mind whats going to happen when i'm ready to move to a bigger house, i hate to sell the house to someone outside of the family.  maybe dad will buy it back.  or maybe i could keep it and rent it, who knows.  it all dpeends on what happens in my life. i'm so clueless as to how the rest of my life is going to pan out. will i meet someone worthy of marriage? i honestly cannot even imagine a man that i could marry. i try to imagine my married life and i cannot picture the other half. it's gonna be tough to find someone that i have much in common with, and someone who can deal with me.. and someone i can trust.  and someone that i'll give myself a chance to fall in love with.  there's another near impossibility.  i also dont want to become emotionally dependent on a man again. but that will likely happen.  ugh here i go thinking negative.   maybe i should stop trying to imagine married life, since i cant guarantee that, i'm not in complete control of that. i am in complete control of living my own life, so i'll just imagine life on my own.  the thought of being lonely sucks, but the thought of being in complete control of all my situations is comforting.  i feel like i'm talking in circles.. or puddles.. i wish i could always get my thoughts out as well as i did in my first blog!! that felt great. it was a burst of pent up emotion.  i cant believe i'm off work all weekend. i dont know what the hell im going to do. it scares me, my depression gets worse when i dont go anywhere and do anything, and its hard for me to get up and go do anything when i dont have to (i.e. go to work). i dont know what id go do. i wish the weather was going to be nice, i'd go to the beach. but its gonna be rainy and cold. even better for the depression!! cold rainy weather is like a depression breeding ground.  now theres a good analogy! its already 10am. the first two hours of work have flown by. now if i can just make it til 430.  and then til 1030 (gotta work at my second job tonight). and then i'll work on making it til 8am on monday. ive got to come up with something to do this weekend.  i could go get some stuff from storage but that requires help, and it hasnt ever come together yet when ive tried to get help to go get stuff from storage. and im not going up there by myself.  thats just asking for a setback.  ooh i could go to the library or book store this weekend. i gotta come up with SOMETHING to do. maybe i'll delve into this creativity thats recently trying to come out. who knows where thatll take me. ok i better get to work now.  my thought train has run off the tracks.  now i just wonder if i can/should make my blogs private. its really more of an electronic journal for me, and who knows who out there is stalking me and reading everything i post.. and god knows this is PRIVATE info.. i wouldn't want ANYONE that i know to read this.. hmm cant figure out how to make blogs private.  that poses a problem. eh.. what are the odds that anyone i know will find me on here. i figure you have to be struggling with depression to even find this site. i'll take my chances for now.
1 Comment
  1. jonathannn 13 years ago


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