I just cant seem to get myself together. I am so depressed. It takes everything I have to get out of bed and tackle the day. I found out I was pregnant the end of September. The last thing I want right now is another child. We were done eight years ago. I had finally gotten stable on my bp meds. Things had finally settled down from the horror of months ago. I still battle myself about being a bad mother for not protecting my eldest and the missery I felt when she moved out at fifteen. I am not remotely happy about being pregnant. But I would do anything to protect the baby. So I came off all my meds. The hardest thing I have ever done is battle the withdrawls of Geodon and live through the paralyzing panic that enveloped me. I made it three weeks before I crashed into a deep revine of depression. I hated my Husband for doing this to me…I hated my mother who is like a child and needs constant attention. I found myself hiding in bed from the world, The doctor said it was worse for the baby for me to be in this condition and put me back on some of my meds. Geodon and Remeron.At first Irefused but a week later my hubby made me go back on them. The panic is gone but the depression is still weighing me down. I t doesnt help that my eldest wants me out of her life. Which makes me feel like a horrible mother. I have obviously done something to make her dislike me so. Maybe because I didnt protect her, I dont know. It really sucks cause i cant hide from the pain. I cant outrun it. I cant handle it. I am so miserable and I am not strong enough for this. I feel broken and no one can fix me. I am so sick of crying. I am so sick of the pain.

  1. PreciousThings 10 years ago

    Depression when it hits, it hits hard…..I can relate to those feelings of not wanting to get out of bed.  I've been there lately myself, I just try to take one day at a time.  Sometimes just getting out of bed, taking a shower and getting dressed can change your mood.  Start with just little things…with each success it makes you feel like you've accomplished something, then just keep building on that. 

    As parents we always feel like we should have done things differently or better!!  We second guess ourselves because we are good parents and we want the best for our children.  Parents are human too and we make mistakes just like everyone else. 

    My experience with my own daughter is that they push us away but what they really are saying is hold onto me.  Hang in there and just take it one day at a time.  Take care!~

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  2. sjmorgan 10 years ago

    My husband was abusing me when I found out I was pregnant with my second child. He also abused me through out the entire pregnancy. I was so disapointed when I saw that I was pregnant with his child again. I hated the baby so much I wished it would die. then later on in when he got bigger inside me every once in a while I would get exited about it. When he was born of course I was in love with the little guy, but when the fights continued at home i would resent him still for crying or just being there to  prevent me from leaving.  well one year later my husbands still a dick, but has gotten counseling, I got on colonidine, trazadone and celexa and i guess Im finally enjoying my baby.  He's a sweety, but I know deep down he sensed the resentment i felt towards him, it makes me sad to know i cant change that.  i hope things work out for you and your family, good luck

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