I just cant seem to get myself together. I am so depressed. It takes everything I have to get out of bed and tackle the day. I found out I was pregnant the end of September. The last thing I want right now is another child. We were done eight years ago. I had finally gotten stable on my bp meds. Things had finally settled down from the horror of months ago. I still battle myself about being a bad mother for not protecting my eldest and the missery I felt when she moved out at fifteen. I am not remotely happy about being pregnant. But I would do anything to protect the baby. So I came off all my meds. The hardest thing I have ever done is battle the withdrawls of Geodon and live through the paralyzing panic that enveloped me. I made it three weeks before I crashed into a deep revine of depression. I hated my Husband for doing this to me…I hated my mother who is like a child and needs constant attention. I found myself hiding in bed from the world, The doctor said it was worse for the baby for me to be in this condition and put me back on some of my meds. Geodon and Remeron.At first Irefused but a week later my hubby made me go back on them. The panic is gone but the depression is still weighing me down. I t doesnt help that my eldest wants me out of her life. Which makes me feel like a horrible mother. I have obviously done something to make her dislike me so. Maybe because I didnt protect her, I dont know. It really sucks cause i cant hide from the pain. I cant outrun it. I cant handle it. I am so miserable and I am not strong enough for this. I feel broken and no one can fix me. I am so sick of crying. I am so sick of the pain.