Trying to find a reason to make myself believe my life has meaning. I am perhaps having some sort of crisis of significance. My ex gave me meaning, as silly as it sounds I felt okay as long as I was with her, and now that she's gone I don't have that. I've never been religious and with my educational background it'd be hard for me to see religion as anything but silly, so I need to find meaning in this moment, righ here, right now. Hard to do that when all you see is struggles.
I hate being trapped in this shy awakard person, trying to become something other than nobody. I can learn from my mistakes, work on changes in therapy, spend time on hobbies and interests, but at this point my depression is so bad because simply I don't see a point in things. Going to live, going to die, and the three things that made me happy were the hope in my relationship the chance of finishing school and being successful and the slim chance of becoming a DJ.
I want to write this blog just because maybe I'll look back and see where I am in a few months, and this is how I was feeling. But for right now I feel like trash, I have no one to talk to, I'm in a huge amount of grief over my ex and my family's moving away from me. Sucks.
Here are the positives (everything says to be positive):
1. I'm alive, relatively healthy and not anxious at the moment
2. I'm young and this isn't the end of my life (even if it feels like it)
3. I make decent enough money not to fret over money
4. Despite being hurt, I had a lot of good years with my ex to think back on