I still feel numb and like a zombie…whether it is due to the passing of a DT member, the suddenpassing of Harley or something else, I don't know. I don't really care what the cause is. In the end, all I know is the feelings and emotions are nowhere near positive.
I am supposed to be abstaining from naps but I haven’t been trying very hard…when I am asleep I don’t feel, I don’t brood on all of the s*it in my life, I don’t focus on how weak I am or how I have no one to turn to for physical comfort. I am NOT trying to downplay all of the emotional support I receive on here. If it weren’t for this site I very well may have ruined my family’s lives…The thought of still doing so—in an attempt to end my tumultuous (which has the appropriate meaning when I look it up)—is still very much there.
I am not sure what is keeping me from taking action: my family or the possibility I may fail. I would say my belief in God but that would be stupid. I have been giving God the cold shoulder for the past several weeks, in a defiant sense I suppose. I do feel abandoned, forgotten, overlooked and discarded by a supposed “loving” God.
The title of this blog came to my mind while I was brushing my hair and looking in the mirror…I have detested what has been looking back at me for a very long time. What happened to the beautiful little girl with benevolent brown eyes, angel hair and an out-going personality? She probably died somewhere between the end of elementary school and the beginning of middle school. What is in her place? A young woman who has an abundance of self-hate, distrust in the majority of people and copious trepidations.
I found myself googling things like ways to look beautiful when plus sized, plus sized models, and plus sized clothing…whether this was an effort to increase my pain or not, I haven’t figured it out yet…Fantasizing and my imagination are two things that keep me busy and remotely sane.