I know there are more important things to be depressed about my life and feel selfish trying to tie down this free spirit. I can't address anything else while this weighs on my mind. But it's not like once I get her, I will be happy. If I keep letting my other problems build I won't be fit to be with her. If I can't even get out of bed to clean my dishes off the floor or wash my face, I won't be ready. The best thing I could do for her is to somehow forget her so if she comes back, I am not going to be like this simpering mass of vulnerabilities and puppylike gratitude. Enough is enough. If my life is not worth living without her then it's not the lief for me. Her need for me to be ok is greater than my need to make her mine and ironically she is the one doing the unselfish thing.
It's just so hard getting better. Now I remember why I sank back into numbness. When I am really, truly depressed, I don't care much if I live or die, but when I start taking the initiative in my life and things start going counter to what I had planned, I get so overwhelmed and just want it to stop. I'm no longer in that place of not caring, I put myself out there just to fall again and again, and soon I stop trying. It's like my mind is threatening me to stay depressed