Someone told me that I have a tendency to fixate on my own problems to the exclusion of all else, so need to let this subside. It is still the major problem in my life but I'm pushing it to the background asthere isn't a thing I can do about it unless she decides she is ready. I hate that I gave up all my power so quickly. I feel like less of a man, not that I care about this perception of myself, but all I want to be is attractive to her..and she is attracted to men. So, I just need to suck it up and be a man I suppose. The problem is this starts with accepting that it's over and that it was never the most important thing in my life and that I can be just as happy with any other woman. The thing is I happen to have pinned my hopes to this person, without even being particularly invested. If I had been invested, it might have paid off. I stood by and expected this attractive desirable woman to come around to me.
So no problem. Be a man. Beconfident in the face of rejection, persistently persuasive even though I come across as a "stalker", be funny though everything I say offends her, and make her feel at ease around me without being creepy despite the fact the person which my friends most often compare me to is Ted Kaczynski. She tells me I don't have "it" but that there is powerful chemistry. She won't tell me a thing about it, leaving me with an intangible goal. She tells me that she is the queen of mixed signals and that maybe someday we can be together but not now. Should I just accept this? I'm not ready to move on. I want to be but something has changed inside me.
It is insidious and insipid the way I try crawl into their heads and ingratiate myself. Every relationship I've ever been in must have been a big pity party. I really want to confront her and just hear the "no" from her mouth so I can get on with my life. The thing is that hearing this will mean the end of my life so I am afraid to ask. Now is a bad time for a confrontation.
I am only dwelling on this because I need to know what my triggers this response on me. I need to stop losing myself to impulsiveness during my most emotional responses and later regretting that I was never truly present. It's almost like I want to block from my memory everything I've done which makes me human. Sometimes I wish my phone didn't save my sent texts. I feel like a pathetic fool trying to understand and circumvent the ways of a woman. She is always at least three steps ahead of me, blocking my feeble attempts at every turn. Because any relationship apparently has to be "organic" and must not be forced; however, placing an artificial barrier constructed of irrelevance is perfectly fine!
I think sometimes the right people get put on hold but the thing to remember is that until they realize their self-sufficiency and acquire a meaningful, genuine sense of worth, nothing will ever be good enough for the person who keeps coming back. Whatever she is looking for will not be there until she becomes irrelevant to my life. This is what feels fake and forced to me and it's why these situations so rarely work out; if you accept them back you are not good enough for them, and if you realize you don't need them, you wouldn't accept them because of what they did!

I know there are more important things to be depressed about my life and feel selfish trying to tie down this free spirit. I can't address anything else while this weighs on my mind. But it's not like once I get her, I will be happy. If I keep letting my other problems build I won't be fit to be with her. If I can't even get out of bed to clean my dishes off the floor or wash my face, I won't be ready. The best thing I could do for her is to somehow forget her so if she comes back, I am not going to be like this simpering mass of vulnerabilities and puppylike gratitude. Enough is enough. If my life is not worth living without her then it's not the lief for me. Her need for me to be ok is greater than my need to make her mine and ironically she is the one doing the unselfish thing.

It's just so hard getting better. Now I remember why I sank back into numbness. When I am really, truly depressed, I don't care much if I live or die, but when I start taking the initiative in my life and things start going counter to what I had planned, I get so overwhelmed and just want it to stop. I'm no longer in that place of not caring, I put myself out there just to fall again and again, and soon I stop trying. It's like my mind is threatening me to stay depressed


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