Ive been batteling with my addiction for most of my adult life. 11 years.
it took me to dark places.
I was clean for a while, got released from a mental hospital after i was there for 3 years in the closed ward. finnished school, started my carreer, doing well…
"lets buy! we'll have fun" my friend said. what a mistake.
and so we did. And at first it was amazing, we had so much fun i was on fire…
so I bought again…and again… then i started buying alone…and more, and more…every morning on my way to work, i buy for the day…but it stoped being fun. Now its a nightmare.
I forget how much I take. I constantly feel ill. My body is poisened. Shutting down. so I pop prescription pills to go through the day, to make it through another day at the office.
Its already been 2 months, and its a fully blown relaps.
Im numb. Im sick. My body is shutting down but I just cant stop.
Im losing my mind, always confused, my thoughts and emotions are out of controll.
last week I lost track of how much I took…I was home alone and I started flipping out. I got a phsycotic attack, and OD in my room. It was scarry, I was so close to calling my best friend and tell her everything, but I was too afraid to lose everything.
at the last moment I grabed one of my anti-phsycotics and prayed. My parents came home, they found me in my room, in the dark, all whiped out, the house was a mess, my room looked like it was hit by a storm and I wasn't responding. Just sat at the corner of my bed, in the dark shaking and praying. I prayed that they would pick up that something is wrong and save me. But they didn't.
Just can't stop….losing my mind, my body is so broken. And Im fading away.
This morning I did another 2…everytime before I use I ask myself "are you ready for the ride?" I just never know whats waiting for me. Now I just feel ill…and numb. And I just want the streangh to not buy today. Thats all. Im not even thinking about getting clean, that's way too much to ask for in my situation. I just want one clean day, so I can sleep right, eat good, and let my body and my brain recover from all the damage that Im doing. Just to remember what it feels like to sober, to feel healthy.
My friend. Addictions do indeed take us to dark places. But…we can survive. I did. I survive daily and some days like today are stressors that normally would have taken me to those dark places but I am so blessed to have been out ohink of addictions for over 3 years now. I used prayer and when I say I used it I USED PRAYER. Sometimes I remember basically praying all day,. Even little prayers and just talking to God as if he were right there with me, and I believe he was right there guiding me.
I suddenly one day realized that he had greater plans for me…I could not just sink. I have dedicated my sobriety to all women that may be suffereing as I was. I want to be there for anyone who needs. I do have my Addiction Recovery Coaching title from World Coach Institute and if you need anything at all I am here.
We can be friends and if you ever need, I can offer some Coaching sessions. I wish that there had been a mentor available to me when I needed but there was not. I now want to be the mentor for others. I know how hard it is and how hard it is when sober folks don't truly understand how we feel just staying sober/clean for even a day is a gift in our eyes.
Let me help. I can give you my text number and I will also be here.
Maceylove,
I've been trying to read your entries, but can't finish through my own tears. Whatever you are using, it's trying to kill you.You must stop! NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. For just today, stay away from it, even if tou need to go 5 minites at a time. I've been where you are now, and I know what you feel.
I'll keep you in my heart and prayers. remember you are not alone. Take care.
Charlotte
thats all you can do is take it one day at time. each day you go without is a victory. and before you know it it will be a week then a month. i know its hard. my crack addiction took just about everything from me and when i hit bottom that was a major wake up call. and i realized i dont want to die like this. im better than this. you have to know you are worth it. and fight stay strong dont let the negative thoughts consume you. my job was right in the area where i would get my drugs ao when i first stopped i would have to call someone to talk to me tell i made home just so i wouldnt make that call to my dealer to get drugs. i no longer work over there now which i guess is a good thing because the city i live in you cant get it i would drive back over the bridge. so i guess things happen for a reason. but just keep that thought of good it feels not to give in and to make it another day.