My husband left me for his brothers younger x-wife. Who knows how long they have been having an affair…. He says I didn't do anything wrong and that I was a good wife. He had just changed and couldn't help his feelings. He has been my best friend for 30 years. We grew up together…. It hurts just as much as it did in the beginning and it's been 2 years. To complicate things, I have had chronic fatigue/myoencephylitis for 20 years, but there have been a few remissions and I was doing the best I can. He says that wasn't why he left, but I just don't know. Very few people understand cfs, but he did. He was very good about it with me. I can't work. I get a monthly allotment. I've moved in with a guy from high school. I wish I hadn't. I was just panicking and he was there. I keep trying the 'positive thinking thing' and praying to Jesus who I believe is at my side, but all I want to do is leave this body and join Jesus. I don't want to hurt anymore. My kids (2 adult boys, one married with 2 kids) have been spoiled and are angry with me and think I made their step dad leave just like they think I made their birth father leave. They have almost nothing to do with me and my grandkids don't hardly know me because my son and daughter-in-law won't let me be part of their lives. I wasn't a great mom because I grew up in an abusive and neglected home. I wasn't an abusive parent, but was definitely lacking in parenting skills.My little sister that I tried to protect and take care of, has her own serious problems and I can't depend on her for anything. Somehow she has got it in her mind that if I hadn't been so strong and outspoken as a child, that our psychotic, bi-polar mother wouldn't have done the things that she did. Our father was emotionally unavailable unless we needed a good whoopin'. They didn't care about our health (I once almost died from a throat infection) because they wouldn't take me to the doctor until I became unconscious. We were constantly emotionally abused by the head games my mother constantly played on us and our father. I married at 17 and had my 2 sons and tried the best I could, but we were too young for it to work. Because I had no family to support me and a minimum wage job, I decided it was best to let my x-husband raise the kids. He was a journeyman carpenter and had married a grocery clerk a year after our divorce. They weren't alcoholics or drug addicts and had a nice home. He was a bit too strict, but a pretty good dad anyway. I saw my kids as much as I could. Every other week-end, etc. I always had to do the traveling to get them as their dad refused to help me in any way. I made the mistake of tryingto be their friend instead of their parent. I just didn't know it at the time. I remarried 5 years later to the man who recently left me. I developed cfs/me a couple of years after the marriage.It's a fairly debilitating and grossly misunderstood disease. I had remissions and tried my best to lead a normal life. My husband says that had nothing to dowith his leaving me, but I don't know. As usual most of 'our' friends went with him and of course I lost an entire family (all his relatives) Same as the first divorce. I lost his family and 'our' friends. Everyone thinks I'm such a strong person and have a lot to offer, but I feel wrung out. I'm tired of trying to go on. Start over. Especially since I'm sick a lot and can't get a job. The guy I live with says he loves me. I just don't love him. The more I got to know him the more different I realized we were, but I feel stuck here. No money to move. Unable to work. Lost interest in life in general. I try to keep contact with the grandkids through letters and such, but my granddaughter won't talk to me on the phone because she doesn't know who I am. I go on Facebook to see pictures of them and that is hard as there are lots of pics of them having fun with their moms parents. Oh well. Sometimes I think a person can just be done with living, but our body just continues on. That's how I feel now and have felt for some time. I'm a zombie. I just want to be happy not rich or famous, just happy. I am fine with the simple things in life, but there is no one to share them with…… Jesus take me home……………………………..

1 Comment
  1. Sandi999 12 years ago

    Thank you….. I really appreciate it.

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