I haven’t been this confused in a while. And, I know it’s because I am trying to sort it all out. I need to figure out what I want. I think that may be the cure to my stagnancy. Just, acknowledging some sort of desired end – or even a concept of it. Am I willing to give up on my marriage? Do I have a choice in the matter? What would it mean if this life I know ceased to define my daily existence? I mean, such as it is, this is my life.
"Is this the place that I want
To be?
Is it you who I want to see?
Holding on, hold it high, show me
Everything"
I know people have a hard time accepting all that I am. I am any number of things that people might find offputting. There are still places in the U.S where the locals would hang me from the nearest apple tree for being the way I am (being a mixed breed, a kinky bisexual, somewhat hippie-like, and crazy liberal would be enough to get in trouble in a number of places out south). But, I am always hoping to find understanding somewhere. Maybe, it’s too much to hope for. I know I won’t likely find a friend with my crazy sphere of experiences, but people really give up on empathizing sometimes when they could probably see something identifiable if they looked closely enough. It’s all as human as anything else. Just different manifestations…
"And you’re leaving me
Yeah, you’re leaving me
You’re leaving me with hated identity"
So many terrible memories bounce around in my head. I stopped attending funerals when a girl I knew named Angie got killed in the project where I used to hang out. A nice girl… immature and silly perhaps, but a good person. Someone strangled her – she was 8 months pregnant. No one heard anything, even though the walls are paper thin. I always figured she stayed quiet to keep her two yr old from waking up and walking into that scene. As it happened, the bastard torched the place, and the two year old died, anyway. I went to the funeral, and saw the big and little caskets, and just took off. I could not do it. I had seen too many young people lost to this senselessness. Too many friends buried… too much wasted life and talent… too much hurt and heartache…
"But I keep on a comin’ here and
Standing in this state
And I’m never really sure if
You’ll take
What Im saying the right way
But I’m not appalled or afraid verbal
Pocket play
Is as discreet as I can muster up
To be
Because the cadillac thats sittin’ in
The back
It isn’t me
Oh no, no, no it isn’t me
I’m more at home in my galaxie"
I need to start writing my play, again. I need to get the important things done – the things that NEED doing, and then I need to live and breathe art the way I did before smack got a hold of me. I used to scatter seeds around bare spots in the city, and randomly post anonymous art. Photographs strangely framed inside glass jars, left on park benches. Chalk poetry on the sidewalks… I need to get back to myself. I feel so adrift. I just need to figure out which path leads to the life I am supposed to be living.
"Can I do the things I wanna do
That I don’t do because of you?
And I’ll take a left then I’ll second
Guess, into a total mess
And you’re leaving me
Yeah you’re leaving me
You’re leaving me with hated identity" (Blind Melon, "Galaxie")
if its understanding and purpose you want NA really is te best thing for you look sorry if i sound patronising but you are really ill you need to get away from anything that will make you use you need support you need people who understand you go there sit and listen you don have to do anything just listen you ARE worth it. you can also get involved in na and help others who better than someone who has been there.