Let’s see….  Yep, it’s another day in this life.  i should be grateful, and yet, here i sit wondering what kinda damage i’m gonna do to myself, this time.  *sigh  i’m sticking with my therapy.  i’ve had med-changes a couple times in the past six weeks or so, and i’ve had more (metaphorical) slaps to my face.  Fun times….NOT.  But, i’m breathin, and i guess that’s a good thing, so i can keep tryin and work on things?–i’ll letcha know on that one.  Ya know, i really feel dumbfounded, these last couple of days, tbh.  A few weeks ago, my (soon-to-be-)ex messaged me about some lie he’d told his family.  He told them he was coming here, to the states, to stay with me for about a month, to finish things….  {WTF?  His family KNEW before i ever left, in November 2017, i wasn’t coming back, and the marriage was basically concluded, and i had no plans for staying in Canada.  For whatever reason, i did agree to not contact his family, whenever i left, but since then, one of the very respectable members of the family–his aunt–died.  i still kept my distance, and didn’t reach out, send condolences or anything, other than to tell HIM how sorry i was she’d passed away and to ask about her husband.  *sigh}  Anyway, my s-t-b-ex sent me several messages and called a couple of times, for various reasons, i guess–i just didn’t respond to him, since i’ve been trying to work on my own issues and things here.  Then, yesterday, he called twice and left two nasty messages for me, as well as a few long i-ms on my email.  *sigh  Yep, i fell for his ‘trap,’ and answered a couple times.  Then, when he kept at it, and playing his mind-games, i told him f….y.. and blocked him on both accounts.  Threats….*sigh  Certain people who’ve been in my life, play on my emotions.  i get that….it’s all about their grasp for control.  –i just don’t get it!!!!  i am NOT that important.  What i say doesn’t really amount to a hilla beans.  So, why expend such energies on trying to dominate ME????  *sigh  Yep, he got to me.  He threatened some dramatic spiel, in an effort to punish me, some more.  Which leads to more fear.  WHY???  Why do you set out to try and make people fear you or your actions???  Fear is NOT the same, or even similar to respect.  That doesn’t fly.  These people just can’t see the forest for the trees or their own issues for how they treat others.  *sigh  Needless to say, it was an exhausting day/evening, which basically continued to hang on this morning–so far.  i know i’ve made my own mistakes—and, am still in that vortex of self-hatred and more.  BUT, as long as i breathe and wake up in the morning, i am still a work in progress.  i am not now, never have been, and never will be “perfect,” by any standard.  But, i also will not protect the ugliness or hide in a closet somewhere.  One person CAN make a difference.  

On a different note:  with the med-changes and whatever else’s been going on, i’ve been stuck in a dangerous place, mentally/emotionally.  i’ve been in the darkness before, but to have a vision, repetitively, for a couple weeks, and very specific–has definitely brought about some different plans of action, lately.  i wound up making a call, one morning, specifically (after lingering all night, weighing the pros and cons of even dialing a number), and have since received some extra support.  So, i’m hoping i’ve made at least one right choice lately.  i’ve made some damaging ones, as well…..*sigh  But….i won’t go there, HERE.

So, second week of a new year….just keep swimming!

1 Comment
  1. condemned 4 days ago

    When you are feeling more stable, that’s when you’ll be able to ignore him. I know, it sucks that you lose that kind of resistance when you are unwell and actually need it the most.

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