I just want to die, right now. I am so sick of feeling this way, and being too much of a coward to move in any particular direction. I can’t get anything done. I can’t go backward, and hide in smack, anymore. I would lose what little’s left – I saw everything slipping away, and I never thought I would get out. Now that I am, it’s like moving away from the south side – just when I think I have gotten away from something, I realize my head is still in it. Parts of me still exists in the worst places. I guess, I have to figure out why, and try to let these things go.
I disappoint people. I don’t have the energy or strength to be what anyone needs me to be, and I hate that. I also just made a complete fool of myself, talking to someone I care about, and that makes me sob – feeling foolish like that hobbles me, emotionally. I get too scared to say much of anything, and I hide. I don’t want to feel like a jack ass, so I seclude myself.
Ace is probably mad at me, right now. Mags will be disappointed if I don’t pull it together for a visit for tonight. I said I would. I didn’t make it to that improv thing, last night. I have been a real recluse, lately. I am used to people coming here. I am used to Jordan coming. Mags keeps trying to lure me out.
I haven’t bounced back from being sick, recently. I’m just a fragile, tangled mess, right now. I doubt anyone can help me. I know I need to figure things out, but how? I barely understand myself. Everything seems new – like I am relearning everything, the way a paralyzed person has to, as they slowly regain mobility. All that frustration and difficulty… and so many terrible thoughts follow me around. It’s like being stalked by your past, and periodically attacked without warning.
How do you forget something, when it attacks you, without warning? How do you let go of something that rips you apart inside? The things that make you feel worthless, and foolish, and hopeless…
How do you get past moments like these, that feel like a bad dream I can’t wake up from? Why doesn’t anyone understand how lost I am?
I feel like no one can help me.
"It’s safer not to look around
I cant hide my feelings from you now
There’s too much love to go around these days
You say I’ve got another face
That’s not a fault of mine these days
I’m honest, brutal and afraid of you" (Belle and Sebastian, "There’s Too Much Love")