I’ve never been the type of person to talk about my feelings, struggles and thoughts. My entire life I’ve just told people enough to make them think everything was fine. My entire life I’ve kept so many secrets and told so many lies and it is finally taking it’s toll. I finally feel heavier than ever and my life is spiralling out of control. Maybe getting it all out for once will be the turning point.
I’ve tried going to psychologists, I’ve done the whole therapy route yet I could never be completely honest with them either. I’ve never told them about the things that go on deep down in my mind and in my heart. I’ve always kept that part hidden. I was always scared of how they would perceive me. That they were silently judging me. So I’ve always kept up this image of everything being ‘ok’, even though I’m there because I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Why can I not just be honest? Is there something clinically wrong with me that I am incapable of telling the truth? I’ve asked these questions so many times and researched it to death, yet I just cannot break this cycle. I keep on doing it over and over again. I stuff everything inside and act as if nothing bothers me even if I feel like I want to break. It’s been this way since I can remember. Hiding from my own feelings. Keeping quiet and just carrying on. Scared about what others would think of me. Scared to be vulnerable in front of anyone.
I’m married to the most wonderful man on this earth. He is kind and loving. He has taken a child that’s not his own and raising her as if she is. He is the only daddy that she knows. Yet, I brought so many problems into this marraige. Things he doesn’t deserve. And I question whether it is fair on him everyday. Some days I wonder if I should just leave him so he can have a peaceful life. So he can go back to having a happy life, because I feel all I am doing is making his life more difficult. I am just messing up his life and he doesn’t deserve it. He didn’t choose to come into this chaos. He didn’t know how bad things really are. But now I’m pregnant and I can’t just take that away.
I have been thinking of taking my own life so many times this year. Looking at ways that won’t fail, yet not having access to any of it or not finding any information on how to guarantee success. I’ve prayed so hard so many nights not to wake up the next morning, yet every day I do. I love this baby so much, but I know in our current situation this just adds additional stress. Yet, how can I take this away from my husband by committing suicide? I have nothing to leave my children so how can I leave them and him with nothing? How can I die knowing that he will have to continue to suffer financially because of my decisions? I just feel like there is no winning in this life or in death…