Well, LOTS of stuff has hapenned since I last wrote here. For starters, my bunny of 7 years passed away, on my lap. I cuddled her but it was still sad to see her go limp and fade away after so many years of life. I guess I'm supossed to feel lucky she lasted this long, still… it's a huge loss nonetheless. My friend Gabe was there for me and while I was half dissociated, all I could manage to do was to get her cremated. Hopefully in 2 weeks I am getting her ashes back, in a temporary urn. They actually gave a shit about how much this rabbit meant to me, at the shelter. They even had a funeral-like room to put her on the slab and say goodbye in. I liked that. She was my buddy, my soul companion, a little jiminy cricket reminding of what love was truly like. So… yeah. Coming from Latin culture, we are used to burying animals ourselves but I have no yard and I couldn't bare to leave her buried anywhere here, in the city. I'd rather take her with me and have her travel, even if symbolically, with me, like the little pirate she was.

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I found out I can take a train up to Gainsville. It's only 55 bucks to go on the Amtrack and I'm actually quite excited! My father offered I go to Miami and then take a plane there but, honestly, I'd rather avoid all that hasle and pay up myself. I'd have to see him and it's already a bit awkward with having told him recently how much he triggers me and having cancelled his coming up to see me because it was too much right now. His wife drives me insane and I'm at a place that if she spews more nonesense I will be tempted to blurt out the most blunt, unapologetic response available and I really don't have a reason to put up or invite that kind of drama.

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On the plus side, it gives me a way to practice going up to Orlando in the future, where my sister and other relatives live, if I ever do want to go. I got my friend, Allison, all sorts of little unicorn presents. She loves rainbow unicorns and if she could be one, she would! I'm really excited. I don't press too hard telling her how much this matters to me, because I think she holds a trigger around people telling her she is cared about but, slowly and surely, I am learning ways to let her know without reminding her of a noose on her neck. That's how she says it feels, even though she cares just as much and is sometimes afraid to say it.

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Today, by the way, I have 1 year of official sobriety! YAY!!! Yay for me! ^_^! I have decided I won't hold myself back from drinking in social situations but, for now, I don't feel like I should ever drink alone. That's how I fell last time. It was 99% by myself, not social. Maybe if I can create a corrective experience around alcohol and permit new limits, so it won't be so taboo and thus the dreaded "red button" effect that complete abstinence creates, for me, will hopefully be gone and it will all lose it's previous power. My drug of choice is being co-dependent, honestly. My family is my drug of choice. Everything else is a bandaid to mask that and, I feel, as long as I don't have cycles that feed the urge to use, drinking here and there will definitely have a new, safer, more fun meaning.

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I'm taking care of my friend Gabe's cat for the week. He bit me. I had to bathe him and it was WW3. Every time you bathe a cat, you declare war against the feline race. I have a bruise on my wrist and a deep, irritated bite on my hand. I went to Urgent Care but they didn't take Medicaid and it was 100 dollars for the doctor to just LOOK at me! Wtf???! Land of the free for those who have money, yes? I was worried it could be a staph infection but instead I was resourceful and went to a nearby Tatoo and Piercing place and asked them if it looked bad enough to be infected, in their experience. They said it didn't look it, from what they knew, just irritated and that I should call a vet and ask, just in case. Fucking healthcare here is impossible. I hate not having United anymore. I have yet to refill my meds with what I have now… I'm dreading to find out if they cover most or if not at all.

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I tried getting SSDI, through the premise I have been disabled wih OCD since I was 12, but they told me that one of my parents has to have been disabled or retired for me to get it… I qualify for SSI bu not SSDI because I did not have enough time in the work force before I finally broke down at age 19, even though I did work in more than 5 different retail places. Fuck. Sometimes it feels like I'm trapped. I mean, I'm studying online, so I'm putting my bets on that but what if it doesn't work, you know? I have my eggs all in one basket and, at the same time, this is all helping me let go of the life I thought I was supossed to have and be resourceful, making my own way with art, writing and craft-making. In the long run, I could get a gig doing that sort of stuff too, being that I'm good at it and enjoy it. I just don't know yet how to make a life out of it, sustainably. Any ideas?

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My therapist finally had her baby! I'm happy. I was worried she was taking too long. It's funny, people say transference is a common thing among therapist and client but I genuinely do keep in mind, my therapist is a doctor, yes, but also a human being and there will always be a level of care and respect towards her,on my part. Is taking part in the process of joy and empathy with what I see from her necesarily transference or can it just be that I simply give a nice darn? Lol. I guess the reason it's important I distinguish is because it can all always be used as fodder for healing, right?

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Cheetos and Mountain Dew, the dinner of champions! Yaaaay! :P! Thank god for the dollar store. I managed to buy and equivalent of 7 meals with only 14 dollars with some chips, dip and soda. I really look forward to the day I have a career and can buy myself fresh, healthy cooking. Frozen dinners are such a staple. That and some junk food. If I had my pick, I'd be eating sushi or sauteed shrimp with rice and veggies or burritos wih fresh ingredients. Sometimes I can pull the burritos and sandwhiches off. Right now, I'm more likely to have hot dogs. Oh, well. At least it's food. Some days better than others. Today, before this snack, I had a Heathbar cookie. Yesterday a friend bought me a sandwhich. Food pantry, here I come! >.

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I will be going to one tomorrow. I hate having to ask for food but better to ask and have than to not and starve. I have such a mess in my room. I have begun to look at the OCD stuff on the net, just for support. I still have a hard time reading it. I think hoarding classifies as part of that and I know I have a problem here but I do wonder if part of it is just the lack of cooperation I recieve from my roomate and the fact I have crammed all my living into someone else's one bedroom livingroom. I dream of having my own place, lately, and I just know I'd make it so inviting! My dream is to have a comfy space, with crystals and a nice rug, and sofas you can lay on the floor on, in a sort of chill-out circle. Maybe one space for my pets, only and a working Art studio for music, art and writing. A little garden. I would love to grow my own food! Eventually own a kotatsu for Winter or just have friends eat together at the table, on the floor and just lay around, like comfy kittens in a safe home.

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Ok, well, enough writing for now. Gotta finish my cheetos, watch some TV and get to try put this room in order! Start to, at least. I went to Goodwill a few days ago and got some square wooden shelves you screw on the wall. Hopefully with them, I can take more things off the livingroom floor! Mainly books. I have lots of those! My Aunt from Germany sent me a book named "Tracks" by this lady who dared to traverse the Outback, all by herself with 3 camels a dog for company. I love how these journeys can transform who we are. I feel like that a lot, wondering, sometimes lost but mostly just creating my way.

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