Well, I\’m struggling (duh!) with Anxiety/Depression, and I\’m having a hard time getting out of it.

Basic Bio: just north of Portland, Maine, 44, married thirteen years, currently unemployed. February 2015 I was fired from my corporate job of twelve years for bogus reasons. Tailspin! September 2015 I returned to U Maine Augusta after twenty years and finally completed my Bachelor\’s in Jazz and Professional Music, Sonic Arts (audio recording and film-making) concentration. (I was a working musician in Boston in the early 00s) So now I\’m struggling to find a day job and trying to figure out how to make art that helps others heal.

And for a lot of the past two years I\’ve been flattened by Anxiety/Depression. Like, basic self-care suffering, irrational thoughts, irrational fear that I\’ll push away my loved-ones as a result (I do know I\’m loved and supported – more on this in a sec), bouts of …wait for it… self-medication!, going to bed at 5:00-6:00 PM… I have two friends whom I know I can reach out to, and I am doing my best.

I\’ve always toed the line between self-destruction and self-preservation. Self-destruction: said bouts of failing self-care, not being able to push away the irrationals, over-analyzing and over-EXPLAINING everything, etc. Self-preservation: highly skilled at checking myself out and making changes (hence me being here!), optimism, belief that everything will get better, accepting that I\’m loved and supported. But again, lately realizing these gifts has ceded more to self-destruction.

I’ve written about my battles for publications such as elephantjournal.com, and I”m still trying to understand and come to terms with my Occasionally Suspect Mental Wiring. And my own counsel often ain’t the greatest…

So I\’m stuck in a bad loop, and I\’m tired of doing it \”alone\”. I could use some mutual support.

So I\’m here…

4 Comments
  1. faith101 4 years ago

    I get it,I understand basically how you feel. I tend to feel like this a lot and I don’t know why.No one wants to be sick and feeling like this.People like us worry way too much,over think too much.We just continuously hurt ourselves.

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      westbeat 4 years ago

      Right, innit? That’s the challenge: how do we get ourselves OUT of our own negative feedback loops? But we’ll get there. Keep going…

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  2. dreamtraveler 4 years ago

    Thank you for writing about what you are feeling and going thru.

    I couldn’t help but notice that you said you were working a corporate job…and then later in that opening paragraph you said, ‘how to make art that helps others heal.’

    I can relate to this as I have worked corporate jobs for the past three years and I have been completely miserable. I have worked contract positions and was let go of two of them. It submerged my self-worth to nearly zero. But… I did come out of it.

    I went an got another corporate job… mistake. I worked as an artist for 10 years and left it for a new career path. It wasn’t the best choice. (I know that now).

    I have spent the past week feeling depressed and consumed with anxiety…as I took a leave of absence from my current corporate job.

    I am struggling with my job defining me. I have written for the past week letting everything run out of me… all the anger, sadness, and most importantly, defining “self worth.”

    My conclusions… its not about a job we do. Its about who we are as humans. The Human Experience.

    The corporate jobs may have been my loop. Bc they were all the same, with all the same empty feelings of what I was doing. All resulting in the same bad feelings.

    Please feel free to reach out anytime as I am working (again) toward ‘making art that helps others heal.’

    Much Love.

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      westbeat 4 years ago

      Great reminder: yes, we are not defined by our corporate toiling, but by who we are. I’m currently looking for another corp job to pay the bills, but am redoubling my focus on creating music/film that lifts and inspires and maaaybe helps others heal. Hope so, anyway.

      If I can only pull myself out of this crippling anxiety loop…

      Yes, reach out as well. Would love to connect.
      And thanks.

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